Tis the season…

SISTER and MUM are in the kitchen.  A pair of earrings MUM is wearing catches her eye. 

SISTER: (looking more closely at the earrings) These are nice.  Are they new?

MUM: Yes.

SISTER: Where did you get them?

MUM: Oh you know…(goes quiet).

SISTER: What?

MUM: Ok, I actually bought them as a Christmas present for you.

SISTER: Nice Mum.  That’s real nice.

MUM: Well, after I bought them, I thought that they were pretty similar to the earrings you wear already.

SISTER: No Mum.  You didn’t think that.

MUM: But I bought you something else.

SISTER: That’s ok.  If I hate that present I’ll just rip my original present off your ears.

MUM laughs. 

SISTER: Why are you laughing?

THE END. 

 

Tags: Christmas, Mum, Sister

Tomato Tomato

A note:  To give you a context to this story, and for any new readers out there that don’t know, my mum is a Polish immigrant who has lived in Australia for almost 30 years now.  Whilst her English is pretty spot on, her accent is still quite thick.  

MUM and VERONICA are in the car driving home.  They talk about their day. 

VERONICA: So you know how I brought in my lunch today?

MUM: Mmm hmm.

VERONICA: Well, I actually had to borrow a fork from one of the guys at work because there are never any forks in the kitchen–

MUM: You want to know something funny?

VERONICA: What?

MUM: When I first came to Australia, I couldn’t pronounce the differentiation between “forks” and “fox”, to me it sounded the same.  When I would be in a restaurant and asked: ‘Can I have some fox please?’ people gave me funny looks.

VERONICA laughs. 

MUM: Now I know the difference.  FOOOOORKS.

VERONICA: That’s classic.

MUM: I still have trouble.  I can’t pronounce differently “butter” and “batter”.

VERONICA: Well you just got to try to stress the ‘a’ sound in “batter”

MUM: BAAAATER.  BAAAATER.  BAA BAA (mocking a sheep) BAAAATER.

VERONICA: Hmm, well maybe that’s easier said than done.  But you’ll figure it out.

MUM: I also can’t pronounce differently “sheet” and “shit”.

VERONICA bursts out laughing. 

MUM: Honestly to me it sounds the same. How do I pronounce it differently?

VERONICA: Ok,  when I say the word sheet, I elongate the “ee” sound slightly.  ”Sheet”.  Did you hear that?

MUM: Not really.

VERONICA: Well, here, when I say the word “shit”, I don’t need to elongate anything.  It’s just “shit”.  Short, punchy and straight to the point.

MUM: Shit. Shit. Shit.

VERONICA: There you go.

MUM: Sheet Sheet Sheet (all pronounced “shet”)

VERONICA: Hmmm.

MUM: Shit.

THE END.

While she was cleaning…

VERONICA comes home to find MUM in the kitchen quietly giggling to herself.

VERONICA: Hi Mum.

MUM: Hello.  How was your outing?

VERONICA: Yeah, good.

MUM stifles another giggle. 

VERONICA: What’s going on?

MUM: It’s a shame you couldn’t help me clear out the basement today.

VERONICA: Why?

MUM: (putting large pink box on the kitchen table) Because you could have stopped me finding these.

VERONICA: (looking at the box in horror) Mum! NO!

MUM: I didn’t know you had kept so many diaries when you were younger.

VERONICA: (Trying to grab the box off her) Mum, come on, that’s not for people to read.

MUM: But it was down in the basement.

VERONICA: That doesn’t make it reading for the public!

MUM: I’m not the public, I’m your mother. (takes a diary out of the box) I thought this entry was really cute (reads) “Dear Diary–

VERONICA: Oh god.

MUM: (reads) ”We didn’t go camping today.  We might go camping tomorrow.  I asked Mum if we could go tomorrow and she said yes.”

VERONICA: Please stop.

MUM: (reads) “I’m so excited.  I can’t wait to go camping and go to the beach.”

VERONICA: Mum!

MUM: This is so sweet.

VERONICA: I don’t care.  Can I have the diary back please?

MUM: You can, but on one condition.

VERONICA: Ok, I will help you clean the basement next week.  I promise.

MUM: That’s not the condition.

VERONICA: What is it then?

MUM: I want to keep this (holds up a piece of paper with a decorative border around it).

VERONICA: (not recognising it) What is it?

MUM: It’s a letter you wrote.

VERONICA: (reads the letter to herself) Shit.  I can’t even remember writing this.

MUM: You did.  It’s addressed to a boy and you wrote your name on the bottom, see: “Love Veron–”

VERONICA: I see it, I see it.

MUM: Who was the boy?

VERONICA: Honestly, I can’t remember.

MUM: Well then, you won’t mind me keeping it.

VERONICA: Why do you want it so much?

MUM: I think it’s beautiful.

VERONICA: You’re not going to show it to anyone are you?

MUM: No. (pause) No one you know anyway.

VERONICA: MUM!

MUM: Ok, ok, I won’t show anyone.

VERONICA: Alright, you can have it.  Just don’t ever look in this box again.

MUM: Are their more letters like this in there?

VERONICA: Don’t push it mum.

MUM: Ok. Ok.  Don’t take it so personally.

THE END. 

 

 

 

Tags: Mum

What a man…

VERONICA and her friend, MICHELLE, are out with a group of friends in a club.  They’re dancing up a storm when VERONICA suddenly stops.  

MICHELLE: What’s wrong?

VERONICA: Creep alert.

MICHELLE: Where?

VERONICA: To my right.

MICHELLE looks through the crowd to find a man, toting a plastic green drink bottle, standing alone and drunkenly swaying, leering at their group of friends. 

MICHELLE: Nah, he looks harmless enough, the drink bottle is a bit weird though.  He seems to be pretty interested in you.

VERONICA: Shit.  I figured if I stopped dancing, he’ll longer be able to see me, or he’ll lose interest or something.

MICHELLE: Well it didn’t work because he’s coming this way, I’ll leave you guys to it.  You’re lucky night!

VERONICA: Oi!

MICHELLE dances away.  VERONICA turns to make her escape to the bar only to find the MAN right in front of her. 

MAN: Hi! You want some whisky? (holds up drink bottle)

VERONICA: No.

MAN: Do you want to dance?

VERONICA: No.

MAN: No?  You don’t drink whisky and you don’t want to dance?  Come on, don’t be such a square.  You never know, I could make it worth your while.

VERONICA: I’ll take my chances, now if you’ll excu–

MAN: Oh come on!  Dance with me, burn some calories!

Pause.

VERONICA: Pardon?

MAN: Burn some calories!  If you won’t dance for me, at least dance for you.

VERONICA: Wow. Amazing.

MAN: Thank you.

VERONICA: Does that really work for you?

MAN: Oh, you know, sometimes.

VERONICA: Sometimes?  How many times?

No answer. 

VERONICA: That’s what I thought.  Hey listen, Don Juan, whilst spending the night dancing with you sounds like the opportunity of a life time, I’m going to have to still say no.  My friend (points to MICHELLE) has been looking at you all night.

MAN: Really?

VERONICA: Oh yeah.  She won’t admit these things, but I can always tell.

MAN: (making his way towards MICHELLE) Hey! You drink whiskey?

VERONICA disappears towards the bar

THE END. 

 

 

 

Mum’s the word…

VERONICA is sitting at her desk when her phone rings, it’s MUM. 

VERONICA: Hi Mum.

MUM: Hello sweetheart, I’m so sorry to be calling you at work.

VERONICA: That’s ok Mum, what’s up?

MUM: I wanted to ask you a question about your Masters course.

VERONICA: What about it?

MUM: When you were applying for the degree, did you have to write an essay about why you should be accepted?

VERONICA:  Yeah I did.  I think it was something like a 500 word minimum.

MUM: Shit.  I have to write one for my application.

VERONICA:  It’s pretty straight forward though.  You’ve just got to write about why you’re applying and how you think this course will benefit your career or professional development.  Stuff like that.  You’ll be done in no time.

MUM: Do you still have yours?

VERONICA: Well, I didn’t save it on a USB stick, it’d be on my old computer.

MUM: But it would still be on the hard drive.

VERONICA: Yeah, but on my old computer.  I was still working on the PC back then.

MUM: Do you think it would still be on there?

VERONICA: It could be, but we’ll never know because you can’t even turn the damn thing on.

MUM: Fuck.

VERONICA: Mum, even if you had it, it wouldn’t be of any use to you.  My Masters is on Arts Management, which is nothing like what you’re doing.

MUM: Yes I know, but it still would have been useful to use as a guideline.

VERONICA:  Well, I’m sorry I can’t get it for you, but honestly you’ll be fine without it.

MUM: But I wanted to see what you did.

VERONICA: Mum, our Masters are in two completely different things.  Just write about your research and published work, and you’ll be done before you know it.

MUM: Ok.  But you’ll have to start it for me.

VERONICA: You mean look over it for you.

MUM: No, I mean start it for me.

Pause

VERONICA: Er…well, I don’t mind looking it over for you, when you’re done with writing it.

MUM: Veronica!

VERONICA: Come on Mum, if you get a start on it now you’ll be done before I get home from work.

MUM: Oh piss off.   (Hangs up)

THE END.

Tags: Mum