Old Age

MUM, AUNTY M, and UNCLE D discuss the troubles of growing old over tea and biscuits.

AUNTY M: (To MUM) More tea?

MUM: Sure, I’ll have one more before I go.  Tell me Monica, do you have any Green Tea?

AUNTY M: What’s that?

MUM: Green Tea?  It’s a Chinese Tea.

UNCLE D: We don’t drink that shit here.  Why would we need Chinese Tea?  We’re European.

MUM: It’s very good for you.

AUNTY M: What does it taste like?

MUM: It’s very nice, once you get used to it.

UNCLE D: Bah. Monica, make me a coffee.

MUM: Detlef, I thought you would be more open-minded at your age.

UNCLE DF: What do you know about people at my age? Compared to me, you’re still just a baby.

MUM: The older you get, the less the age difference matters.

UNCLE D: Really?  I lived through the second world war.  I was a soldier.  Did you live through it?

MUM: No, I wasn’t born then.

UNCLE D: So there, age does make a difference

AUNTY M: Detlef, you’re not making any sense.

UNCLE D: I’m making perfect sense.  (To MUM) I travelled, I fought, I have seen evil in the face.  Woman, I am the way I am because I have seen the world for what it is, don’t talk to me about being open-minded.

MUM: What has Green Tea have to do with evil?

AUNTY M: Detlef, you are getting old.  I think you’re losing your mind.

UNCLE D: I don’t know why I bother talking to you two anyway.  Get me some biscuits with the coffee too.

MUM: (Imitating DETLEF) “Ugh, get me this. Ugh, get me that.”  Do you want her to shine your shoes for you too?

UNCLE D: While she’s at it, why not?   She could make herself useful.

MUM:  You’re awful.

AUNTY M: (bringing the tea and coffee over) Don’t pay attention to him.  He does it for fun.  He’s bored because no one usually wants to talk to him.

UNCLE D: Where’s my biscuit?

AUNTY M: You don’t need one.

UNCLE D: I didn’t say I needed one, I said I wanted one.

MUM: Detlef, your diabetes.

UNCLE D: Piss off, you’re not my nurse.

AUNTY M: If you want one, then you know where they are.  I’m not getting you anything that will get me into trouble.  The doctor said you need to stick to your diet.

UNCLE D: (getting biscuits) What would he know, arrogant prick.

AUNTY M: I don’t know how I stand it.

MUM: He’s getting worse.

UNCLE D: Stop talking about me like I’m not here.

MUM: Enough Detlef!  Get your biscuit and shut up! (To MONICA) How are the kids?

AUNTY M: Andreas is doing well.  He and Rosie just bought a new house, but it’s too big.

MUM: Really?

AUNTY M: Too many rooms.  They’re only a small family, two kids don’t need that much room.

UNCLE D: (sitting back down) They didn’t buy it for the room.

MUM: Well, you don’t know that Detlef.

UNCLE D: Bullshit I don’t know.  He bought it for the same reason anyone else buys big expensive shiny things, to show the world how much money he’s earning.

AUNTY M: It is a bit too much.

MUM: And what about Bjorn?

AUNTY M: Really good.  Loves his job, loves his live over there.  He met a girl that he’s very happy with, (sadly) he might just be staying over there.

MUM: Are you not happy?

AUNTY M: He’ll just be so far away.

UNCLE D: Fuck him.  If he wants to live there, so be it.

MUM: Detlef, why do you have to be so mean?

UNCLE D: Mean?  Monica and I worked tooth and nail to leave that bloody country so we could set up here to give a better life for our kids, and now he wants to go back to it?

MUM: But things change Detlef.

UNCLE D: Rubbish.

AUNTY M: I suppose it will give me a good excuse to go visit more often.

MUM: Just you?  (To DETLEF) You wouldn’t visit?

AUNTY M: Don’t get him started.

UNCLE D: He wants to live there, fine.  I can’t stop him.  But don’t expect me to travel there and back just to see him.  He wants to see me, he knows where I am.

MUM: What if he doesn’t want to come and see you?

UNCLE D: What do I care? I’m an old man who’s losing his mind.

MUM: That reminds me, Detlef, how is your mother?

UNCLE D: Ask Monica.

AUNTY M: We had to fly her back, she didn’t like it here.

UNCLE D: You want to talk about losing your mind?  She lost it alright.

MUM: She got worse?

UNCLE D: Waking up in the middle of the night, not knowing where she is, or who we are–

AUNTY M: She was so confused.  You had to tell her all the time that she was in Australia, that she had come to visit us, that we were taking care of her here.  It wasn’t all horrible though, she had her good days too.

UNCLE D: She didn’t know who I was.  Her own son.

MUM: Well, Detlef, this is dementia.

UNCLE D: It’s Alzheimers.

AUNTY M: She was crying all the time.

MUM: Poor thing.

UNCLE D: Yeah, poor her.  I wish I was in her la la land.

MUM: And so where  is she? Staying with your brother.

UNCLE D: He couldn’t handle her, so he stuck her in a home.

MUM: Oh no.

UNCLE D: And that’s that.

MUM: That’s terrible.

UNCLE D: That’s life.

MUM: You would have put her in a home too?

UNCLE D: No.  I would have had her here.  I wanted to keep her here, but she didn’t want to stay.

AUNTY M: But she didn’t like it here.  She was distressed all the time, it’s not good for your health to be like that.

UNCLE D: So we sent her back.

MUM: Did you tell your brother not to put her in a home?

UNCLE D: Look, my brother is an asshole, even if I begged him not to put her in a home, he would still do it.  What’s done is done, and there’s nothing I can do.  She will die in a home.  Slowly.

MUM: This is horrible.

AUNTY M: But this is how it will be for some of us.

MUM: No, not for me.  I will never be like that.

UNCLE D: Sure.  You drink enough Green Tea, I’m sure you will out live your children.

MUM: Detlef, come on, that’s not what I mean.

AUNTY M: We don’t have control of how we age.  It happens without us realising, sometimes.

MUM: Yes, but we can choose to live a healthy lifestyle, to eat right, to exercise our minds and bodies.

UNCLE D: No amount of exercise would have helped my mother.  When your mind starts to go, there’s no stopping it.

MUM: We don’t know that.  There is so much research, and we don’t know what could happen in 10 or even 5 years from now.

UNCLE D: And if it’s still all the same, then what?  You’ll just be sitting there, like a vegetable, rotting in your children’s home.

AUNTY M: Detlef, please.  Can we talk about something else?

MUM: I wouldn’t do that to my children.

UNCLE D: You have no control over that.

MUM: Bullshit.  My children know that I would never do that to them.

UNCLE D: Really?  And what are you going to do.  Freeze yourself till they find a cure for old age?

MUM: No.  I will go down to the basement, and hang myself.

AUNTY MONICA gasps.

UNCLE D: (laughing) By the time you get to that stage, you’ll be too senile to remember where you put the rope!

pause

MUM: I suppose you’re right.

They drink their tea in silence.

END.

Waiting to Vote

Two couples, who are old friends, stand inside a Grade 4 classroom as they wait to vote in the federal election.

MAN 1: This takes you back doesn’t it?

WOMAN 1: Did you go to this school?

MAN 1: No, I went somewhere else.

MAN 2: So why does it take you back?

MAN 1: Well being in a classroom, takes you back to the days when you had to go to school.

WOMAN 2: I hated school.

WOMAN 1: I didn’t much care for it either.

WOMAN 2: My classroom didn’t look like this.

MAN 2: I don’t think that’s what he meant.

WOMAN 2: I know that’s not what he meant, I know what he meant, but I’m just saying that upon observation, my classroom didn’t look like this.

WOMAN 1: No, mine didn’t either.  I don’t think I ever had a classroom that looked like this.

MAN 1: Mine didn’t have all this coloured paper to start with.

MAN 2: No.  I don’t know when they started bringing all that in.

WOMAN 2: Apparently the children learn better with it.

WOMAN 1: It’s probably to keep the children occupied while the teacher ducks out for a smoke.

WOMAN 2: You think so?

WOMAN 1: I wouldn’t be surprised.  You think she was really teaching when they were making that?

WOMAN 1 points to a pin board plastered with coloured paper displaying children’s names and personal statements.

MAN 1: What’s all that about do you reckon?

MAN 2: (reading off the board) “The Board of Respect”.

WOMAN 2: Oh I see, I think the children wrote down some things about what they should do to be nicer to each other.

WOMAN 1: (reading a card) “Respect for one another.”  Well that’s something you don’t see everyday, people respecting one another.  I agree with that child.  If we all respected one another we wouldn’t have all the trouble we’re having now on the streets.

MAN 2: Here here.

MAN 1: They have horrible handwriting these kids.

WOMAN 2: Yes, I know, I’m having trouble reading them all.

MAN 2: Wouldn’t have seen handwriting like that in any classroom I was in.

WOMAN 2: Yes they were pretty strict with that sort of thing.

MAN 1: (reading off another card) “Zero tolerance for bullies”.

Pause

MAN 2: Where’s that?

MAN 1: Right there.  The purple one.

WOMAN 1: Surely a teacher would have had a hand in that.

WOMAN 2: You think so?

WOMAN 1: Wouldn’t be surprised if she wrote it herself.

MAN 2: It’s a term that’s thrown about a lot, “zero tolerance.”  The kid probably picked it up from the T.V. or something.

MAN 1: What, watching cartoons?

WOMAN 2: Oh no, kids don’t watch cartoons anymore.

MAN 1: Of course they do.

WOMAN 2: No, not the ones that we’re used to.  They watch these violent Japanese ones now.

WOMAN 1: That’s cultural diversity for you.

Silence

WOMAN 1: I don’t see what’s so bad about bullies anyway.

MAN 2: Does them good doesn’t it?

WOMAN 2: I was bullied when I was in school.

WOMAN 1: Gave you a thicker skin didn’t it?

WOMAN 2: I suppose so.

WOMAN 1: Made you tougher.

WOMAN 2: I guess.

MAN 1: I think I was a bully.

WOMAN 1: No you weren’t.

MAN 1: How do you know?

WOMAN 1: Well, I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but I don’t think you would have been one.

MAN 1: Fair enough.

MAN 2: (to WOMAN 2) What were you bullied for?

WOMAN 2: Oh, the usual.  Looking awkward.  Freckles, gangly arms and red hair.

WOMAN 1: You’ll be voting for Gillard then?

MAN 1 and MAN 2 laugh.

WOMAN 2: I suppose that’s what everyone thinks.

MAN 2: Well there’s an incentive anyway.  Get your own back for the bad times.

WOMAN 2: Well I’d like to think that I’ve moved on.  Some major decisions don’t need to be influenced by minor past events.

MAN 1: Good on you love.

MAN 2: Important to make those changes in your life to move on.

WOMAN 1: Hmph, I suppose that’s true.  But she wouldn’t have had that gumption if she wasn’t bullied in the first place. (walks off to vote with MAN 1)

WOMAN 2: (quietly to MAN 2) Of course, there are some people who find it hard to move on at all.

MAN 2 giggles as they both walk off to vote.

END.

At the airport

VOICEOVER: Please make sure that your carry on luggage has been inspected and is free of harmful weapons and implements.  If you have any questions, please ask before boarding.

MUM: Did you put everything in a zip lock bag?

MARTA: Yes mum.

VERONICA: Oh no.

MUM: What?

VERONICA: Maybe you’d want to go and get a cup of coffee mum.

MUM: Why? I’m not going anywhere.

VERONICA: Ok, so you can say hello to Dad, because he’s here.

(DAD comes through the sliding doors.  There is an awkward silence between the family.)

DAD: Hello Marta.  Are you ready to go?

MARTA: Pretty much.

DAD: How are you Veronica?

VERONICA: Yeah good.

DAD: (to MUM) Hi.

(MUM clears her throat)

VERONICA: (to MARTA) I’m going to go to the bathroom.

MARTA: Thanks a lot.

VERONICA: Hey, when you got to go, you got to go. (Leaves)

DAD: So you’ve packed everything Marta? You don’t think you’ve forgotten anything?

MARTA: Well if I have, it’s a bit too late to do anything about that now.

DAD: Well, if you found that you have, just send me a sms and I’ll try to send something over for you.

MUM: How? She doesn’t live with you, she lives with me.

DAD: Well, I was just saying that for when she can’t get to you.  I can still help her out you know.

MARTA: Ok ok. Thanks dad.  I’ll remember that.

DAD: Do you have your mobile set to Global?

MARTA: I don’t know.

DAD: Well, you need to transfer it over to that setting if you’re going to be able to make international texts and calls.

MARTA: Ok ok, I’ll sort it out later.

MUM: Sweetheart, why don’t you sort it out now while your father is here to help?

MARTA: Mum, it’ll be fine, I’ll figure it out later.

MUM: And when you get to London, how will your friends know where to meet you?

MARTA: I’ll text them.

DAD: Yes, but if you don’t have your phone on the Global Setting, you won’t be able to use your phone outside of Australia.

(pause)

MARTA: So how do I change it then?

DAD: Alright, give me your phone and I’ll do it for you.

MARTA: Here.

DAD: Thank you. (tinkers away on the phone).

MUM: (to MARTA) See? It’s not all that hard.

MARTA: Mum, will you just leave me alone.

MUM: Ok, fine. I will.  Have a lovely trip and I’ll see you in three weeks.

MARTA: Where are you going? I’m not ready to board yet.

MUM: I’m not hanging around here while your like this.  I’ll see you when you come back, perhaps you’ll be in a better mood then.

(MUM leaves, DAD gives MARTA her phone back, VERONICA comes back from the bathroom)

VERONICA: Where’s mum?

MARTA: She’s gone.

VERONICA: Where?

MARTA: Home.

VERONICA: What!  When?

MARTA: I don’t know.

VERONICA: (to DAD) How long ago?

DAD: Not too long ago, but she’s going home.

VERONICA: Well, how am I supposed to get home?

DAD: Oh.

MARTA: (sneering) You can get a lift with dad.

DAD: I’m happy to drop you home.  It will be a good chance for you and I to catch up.

VERONICA: (glaring at MARTA) Thanks dad.  I’d really appreciate it.

DAD: (to MARTA) Almost ready to go?

MARTA: Yup.

VOICEOVER: We regret to inform you that flights have been delayed by an hour due to maintenance.

MARTA: Crap.

VERONICA: Oh well, guess you’ll just have to wait.

MARTA: Well, can you wait with me?

VERONICA: Why?

DAD: Veronica, don’t be like that with your sister.  Lets make the best out of this situation and have lunch somewhere.

VERONICA: At the airport?

DAD: I’m sure we can find something.

MARTA: Great.

VERONICA: (aside to MARTA)  I hate you.

MARTA: Don’t care.

THE END.

The First

CAST:

VANESSA: 9 years old and child to over protective parents.

LOU ANNE: Vanessa’s mother.  Very overbearing, and devoted to home, husband and family.

JOHN: Vanessa’s father. Protective of his daughter, and dotes on his wife, although he could do without her drama.  He has a quiet nature.

(JOHN sits at the kitchen table reading the paper while LOU ANNE is on the phone)

LOU ANNE: Is everything alright? (pause) Would you like us to pick her up instead. (pause) Well, I really don’t want to put you out of your way. (pause) Alright then, well thank you for that.

JOHN: Is everything alright?

LOU ANNE: (motions JOHN to be quiet) Not at all, I’m sure she’ll feel better once she’s home. (pause) Ok, thank you.  We’ll see you soon. (pause) Ok, thanks again, bye. (hangs up)

JOHN: Who was that?

LOU ANNE: I knew it John, I knew it!

JOHN: What’s going on?

LOU ANNE: It’s Vanessa.  She’s coming home.

JOHN: What happened?

LOU ANNE: I don’t know. They just rang to say that something happened last night and that she wasn’t feeling too well this morning and they’re bringing her home. I knew we shouldn’t have let her go, I knew it.

JOHN: I don’t think it’s anything worth troubling yourself over.

LOU ANNE: What if they did something to her John?  We hardly know these people.

JOHN: What do you mean ‘did something to her.’ Lou Anne, calm yourself.

LOU ANNE: I told you John.  I told you this was a bad idea.  I knew we shouldn’t have let her go.  What have we done?

(VANESSA comes in)

LOU ANNE: What happened to you? What did they do?

VANESSA: They didn’t do anything, I just didn’t feel good.

LOU ANNE: What happened?  Did you get sick?  What did they feed you? They could have poisoned you.

JOHN: Lou Anne!

VANESSA: They didn’t poison me.  I just felt funny last night.

JOHN: Sleeping in a different bed probably made you feel uneasy.  Different house, different sounds–

LOU ANNE: Don’t worry sweetheart, you won’t be going to any of those slumber parties again.

VANESSA: No, that wasn’t it!

JOHN: Well then what then?

VANESSA: (quietly) I can’t talk about it with Dad in the room.

LOU ANNE: Why not?

VANESSA: I just can’t.

(pause)

LOU ANNE: John, go into the bedroom.

(JOHN leaves, a little dismayed.)

LOU ANNE: Now, tell your mother everything.

VANESSA: Last night, I felt strange…down there.

LOU ANNE: What do you mean?

VANESSA: I don’t know, I just didn’t feel right.  And this morning there was blood.

LOU ANNE: (shrieking) OH MY GOD! JOHN! JOHN! GET THE PHONE! THEY RAPED HER!

JOHN: (from the bedroom) WHAT?

VANESSA: MUM! They didn’t rape me! God.  I just woke up and it was there. Sally’s mum gave me a pad and said I had my period. She said I should go home and talk to you about it. (pause) Mum, what’s going on?

(LOU ANNE is quiet and comes almost to tears)

JOHN: (form bedroom) What’s going on? Is everything alright.

LOU ANNE: Oh John, your little Nessy’s become a woman.

(pause)

JOHN: (from bedroom) What?

LOU ANNE: (shouting) I SAID SHE’S A WOMAN NOW.

JOHN: (from bedroom) Oh.  (pause) Can I come back and finish the paper?

LOU ANNE: Oh go on with your paper!  Come on Ness dear, we have a lot to talk about.

THE END.

My big fat Polish Grandma

The title is a bit nasty, but my Grandma was one of the sweetest grandmothers a child could ask for.  She was also quite fat, but that’s because she had a sweet tooth, which I have also inherited…along with her arse.  Thanks Grandma, this one’s for you.

CAST:

MUM

BABCIA: (Polish for Grandma)

VERONICA: Aged 3.

SET in 1987.

(MUM and BABCIA enter the kitchen of MUM’s house.  BABCIA sits at the table, and MUM puts the kettle on as she lugs BABCIA’s luggage into the guest bedroom.)

MUM: So, do you want a cup of tea?

BABCIA: It’s too hot in here.

MUM: Sorry, I’ll open a window.

BABCIA: What are you crazy? You’ll let all the hot air in.  Leave it leave it, I’ll manage, I’m just saying it’s hot, I don’t know how you can stand it.

MUM: You get used to it.

(silence)

BABCIA: I don’t see why you had to move.

MUM: We had no choice mum.

BABCIA: There was plenty of choice!

MUM: Not for us! (pause) What were we going to do over there?

BABCIA: Things are different now.

MUM: Maybe now, yes, but it wasn’t when back then.

BABCIA: You should have had patience.

MUM: (biting her tongue) So, do you want a cup of tea?

BABCIA: Have you lost your head?  You want me to die of heat stroke? No I don’t want a tea! (pause) Glass of water will do nicely though.

(MUM gets a glass and heads to the tap.)

BABCIA: With ice.

(MUM stops and turns to the freezer)

BABCIA: With a slice of lemon.

(MUM stops and heads to the fruit basket)

BABCIA: So where’s Veronica?

MUM: She’s at crèche.

BABCIA: What’s crèche?

MUM: It’s daycare.  Kids go there during the day while the parents are at work.

BABCIA: So this is like a school?

MUM: Not really, they don’t learn anything.  They paint and play.

BABCIA: Did she paint this? (points to a finger painting on a wall).

MUM: Yes she did.

BABCIA: And what’s that written on the top?

MUM: Her name.  That’s how it’s spelt in English. (NB: In Polish Veronica is spelt Weronika)

BABCIA: She wrote it by herself?

MUM: Roman spelt it for her, and she wrote the letters.

BABCIA: She’s smart!

MUM: She’s excited to see you.  She’s been practicing a song on the piano for you.

BABCIA: I can’t wait to hear it.  She’s very talented.  You should put her in a school now.  A special program for geniuses.  This sort of talent has to be nurtured at an early age.

MUM: She’s three years old mum, I think she has plenty of time to nurture her talents.

BABCIA: But she could loose it when she’s older.

MUM: She’ll loose her childhood when she’s older.  Right now she needs to play, there’ll be plenty of time for study later.

(silence between the two of them. BABCIA looks around her.)

BABCIA: How often do you wash the windows?

MUM: Twice a year.

BABCIA: TWICE A YEAR!

MUM: Well, mum, this is a house!  This isn’t like a flat where you only have the kitchen window to clean everyday.

BABCIA: No excuse.

(BABCIA gets up and has a look around the kitchen.)

BABCIA: (picking up a packet of bread) What’s this?

MUM: It’s bread.

BABCIA: But it’s already sliced!

MUM: That’s how it comes in Australia.

BABCIA: (throwing it away from her) I won’t eat it.

(the door open and VERONICA comes running into the kitchen)

VERONICA: BABCIA!

BABCIA: Ah my little kitten come here and give me a cuddle.  Oh look at you, you’re so beautiful (to MUM), she is so beautiful!

MUM: (to VERONICA) Go wash your hands and then you can come and have a snack.

VERONICA: OK. (leaves)

BABCIA: She’s so beautiful.

MUM: I know.

BABCIA: (after a pause) She should come back to Poland with us.

MUM: What?

BABCIA: She should come back to Poland with us.  Your father and I will raise her, and when she’s 15 she can come back to–

MUM: No.

BABCIA: (stunned) Why not?

MUM: Because she’s my daughter and she stays with me.

BABCIA: Ok.  It was just a suggestion.  Think about it.

MUM: No need.  My decision is final.

(VERONICA comes racing in and sits at the bench)

MUM: Ready for your snack?

VERONICA: Yes. (to BABCIA) I learnt a song on the piano.

BABCIA: I know, your mother told me, and I can’t wait to see it.  Oh! I have a present for you! (goes through her handbag and pulls out a Polish chocolate bar)

VERONICA: Thank you. (pause) What is it?

BABCIA: It’s a chocolate.

MUM: Veronica doesn’t eat chocolate.

BABCIA: DOESN’T EAT CHOCOLATE!

MUM: No.

BABCIA: Why?

MUM: I just don’t give it to her.

BABCIA: That’s just cruel.  What sort of childhood is it if it doesn’t have chocolate?  (to VERONICA) You poor baby, don’t worry, I will give you sweets.  Here, don’t worry about your sandwich, eat the chocolate, you’ll like it better.

MUM: At least give it to her after dinner.

BABCIA: Dinner is too far away, with a small tummy like hers the child will starve. (to VERONICA) Go on sweetheart.  Here, I’ll open it for you.

(BABCIA unwraps the chocolate bar and VERONICA looks at it.  She then sniffs it, and then takes a little bite.  Then a bigger bite.  Her eyes widen as she chews and heads for an even bigger bite.  MUM looks on in worry, BABCIA looks on with a smile)

THE END.