Speaking to my Surrogate Nana

I was born and raised in Australia, but my parents are Polish, which means that I have had no real contact with any other family such as cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents.  This mean that a lot of close family friends had in turn filled the void.  And so I introduce you all to my dear surrogate Grandmother whom I will call “Peg”.  She looked after my sister and I when we were young, and looks upon us as if we were her very own grandchildren.  We love her dearly, and this recent phone conversation has reminded me just how much.  

 

Phone rings.  VERONICA answers. 

 

VERONICA: Hello?

PEG: Oh hello.  I’m not calling too late am I?

VERONICA: Not at all.

PEG: Who am I speaking too?  Is that you Marta?

VERONICA: No, it’s Veronica.  How are you Peg?

PEG: Oh!  You recognise my voice!

VERONICA: Of course I do.

PEG:  I wasn’t sure if you would remember who I was, we haven’t spoken in so long.

VERONICA: I could never forget you Peg.

PEG: (holding back a slight sob) Oh you’re a dear girl.  Is your mother home?

VERONICA: No, she’s gone to Europe.

PEG: She’s still there!? When did she leave? Oh wait, she was telling me that she was going to leave at the end of the month, and she must have meant last month, not this month.  Did she leave at the end of July?  Well she must have because she’s still over there.  Because she did tell me that she was going to go to Poland and Germany and the like, but I wasn’t sure when she was going to go, and because I haven’t been in touch with you for so long, I had just simply forgotten that she was actually due to go.  You were going to go to Europe at some point weren’t you?

VERONICA: Well I was planning to but–

PEG: For work? For pleasure?

VERONICA: Well, for both.  But my cousin is getting married next year, and I will only really be able to afford to go the one time.

PEG: That’s the way it goes sometimes.  That’s the one from Germany right?

VERONICA: That’s the one.

PEG: Well, you just make sure you go on a long holiday then.  You and your sister still living at home?

VERONICA: For the moment.

PEG: What do you mean for the moment?

VERONICA:  Well, I will be looking to move out soon, now that I’ve finished with school–

PEG: What for?

VERONICA: Well, it’s time to grow up and–

PEG: What do you mean grow up?  You’re already grown up.  You’ve got your degrees, you’ve got your job, you’re your own person, you’re not some free loader. What growing up do you need to do away from home that you haven’t already done in the home?  Listen, when I was your age, I still lived with my parents and didn’t move out till I was married.  You have a boyfriend yet?

VERONICA: No.

PEG: Why not?  You’re a good looking girl, why are you still single?

VERONICA: Well, I wasn’t actively looking while I was studying.  Don’t worry Peg, now that I’m finished with school, I’m making the time for it.

PEG:  Good girl. How about your sister?

VERONICA: She’s found someone.

PEG: Polish?

VERONICA: No.

PEG: Oh.  Australian?

VERONICA: No.  Irish.

PEG: Irish! (pauses to contemplate) They drink a lot don’t they?

VERONICA: Well, this one doesn’t drink!

PEG: Doesn’t drink!

VERONICA: Not a drop.

PEG: Good luck with a Polish girl then.  Does he work?

VERONICA: He does something with computer applications.

PEG: So he’s smart.

VERONICA: Yeah he’s smart.

PEG: And he makes her happy?

VERONICA: Seems to.

PEG: Well I guess that’s all you need in a man.  As long as he’s smart, makes his own money and can make you happy, then you’ll be fine.

VERONICA: That’s the dream.

PEG: Good to hear.  Alright darling, well I’ll leave you to it.  If you speak to your mother, tell her that I invite you over to my place when she comes back.  It’d be good to see you girls.

VERONICA: Alright, I’ll let her know.

PEG: You’re in my prayers darling.  Good luck on your manhunt.  Find yourself a nice husband, and if he’s Polish, it’s a bonus.

VERONICA: (under her breath) I doubt it.

PEG: What was that?

VERONICA: Thanks for the thought!  I’ll talk to you later Peg.

PEG: Hugs and kisses sweetheart. Good night.

THE END. 

What’s My Age Again?

LOCATION: Rue Bebelons, K’s Hens Night

A drunken loved up discussion between VERONICA and her friends S, E and K (the hen).  They discuss love, marriage and life in general.

VERONICA: (to K) So how are you feeling about it?  You must be pretty frazzled with wedding prep.

K: You know what, I’m looking forward to the wedding, and it’s going to be a great day, but I’m also looking forward to the end of it, and for life to be back to normal…or somewhat normal.  The planning has taken me away from you guys and I miss hanging out with.  This has been a good night!

E: It’s been an awesome night.

VERONICA: (raising her Sangria) Well, to your wedding next week!  May it go off without a hitch so you can get hitched.

S: Here here!

Drink

S: So I bet the pressure is off you now from your folks.

K: Well, I can’t say there was ever any real pressure aside from the odd “We just want you to be happy.”

E:  Now they’ll just pressure you about kids.

K: Ha ha, yeah.  That’ll happen, but in time.

E: That’s the thing isn’t it?  The timing.

S: Oh my god, if I have to hear “when I was 27 I was married and had my first child.”

VERONICA: Oh I got that speech from my dad on my 25 birthday.  ”When your mother was 25 she was already married, had moved countries and had her first child.  You.”  What am I supposed to do with that?

S: I’m happy to get married when I’m 40.

VERONICA: Ah, if it happens it happens.

S: I’ll marry a 20 year old.

VERONICA: Hey, I might just do that too!

E: Eww.

S: We were talking about speed dating before and not only is it 50 bucks a pop, they also have this category of 60-year-old men wanting to meet 20-year-old women.

EVERYONE: EWWWWWWWWW!

VERONICA: In the words of my sister: “Can you imagine that on top of your body?”

EVERYONE: EWWWWWWWW!!!!!

VERONICA: Yeah.

S: Well, pushing 30.  I’ll be 28 this year.

VERONICA: That’s nothing, I’ll be 29.

Silence

E: What?

VERONICA: Yup.  Turning 29 this year.

K: Wait, what?  29?  Really!?

VERONICA: Yeah.

S: What year were you born in?

VERONICA: 1983.

Silence

E: You’ll be turning 28 this year.

VERONICA: What?

S: You’re 27 now, you’ll be turning 28 this year.

VERONICA: Are you serious?  Am I 27?

K: Oh my god.

VERONICA: Wait, who’s got a calculator?

Grab S’s i-phone and begins to crunch the numbers.

VERONICA: Holy shit.  I’m 27!

E: BAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

S: Happy Birthday.

K: How do you feel.

VERONICA: So, I’m turning 28 this year.

S: In July yes, you’ll be 28.  That’s how it generally works.

VERONICA: Oh my god, I’m so relieved!!!

E: How the hell do you come up with 29?

VERONICA: I have a habit of saying I’m a year older about six months after my birthday so that when the time comes to actually turn that age, I don’t feel so anxious about it.

S: But now you’ve convinced yourself you’re turning 2 years older.

VERONICA: I lost 2 years in 2 minutes!

K: It’s a revolution.

VERONICA: Who’s for an Espresso Martini?  WOOOOT!

 

THE END

P.S. This is dedicated to Katy and to the rest of “The Stranglies”.  All the best for next week Katy, you’re going to make a stunning bride.

P.P.S.  I just read this story to MUM: “Hmm.  See!  And you laughed at me when I couldn’t remember your date of birth.”

 

A night out with the girls…

VERONICA is out to dinner with her girlfriends, MS J, MS T, MS G and MS S.  They sip on wine and pick at the entrée.  While waiting for their mains to arrive, they catch up and share various stories they’ve come across.

These stories usually start with “a friend of a friend of mine.”

VERONICA: A friend of a friend of mine found himself in a threesome–

MS G: A threesome?

MS J: How do you find yourself in a threesome?

VERONICA: Sorry, figure of speech.

MS T: Can you imagine that happening though?  Like, you’re walking to the milk bar to get some toilet paper or something, I don’t know, and then you find yourself in a threesome some how.

MS S: I actually would like to know how that story goes.

All laugh.

MS J: Well, I have a bit of a story to tell, it happened to a friend of a friend of mine (to VERONICA) if you don’t mind.

VERONICA: Go for it!

MS J: Alright, so this friend of a friend had a one night stand, and foolishly had unprotected sex for whatever reason.

The girls begin to tut and murmur.

MS J: I know, it’s a stupid thing to do, but this is just the beginning of the story.

MS G: Sorry, go on.

MS J: So she has unprotected sex and the next day she’s not feeling so well and she broke out in this rash–

VERONICA: Ew, where?

MS J: All over her body.

VERONICA: Poor thing, that sucks.

MS J: So fearing the worst, as anyone would in this case, she goes to the doctor to get it checked out.  The doctor asks what happened, she mentions the unprotected sex and she gets a check up head to toe and they run some tests. The next day she gets a call from her doctor telling her to get in the office ASAP because to talk about her test results.

MS T: Oh my god, wouldn’t that just scare the shit out of you?

MS J: So she gets to the doctor, and he sat her down and said he needed to know everything about the guy that she slept with.  She said she didn’t really know anything except for his first name and where he came from.

MS S: Where did he come from?

MS J: Frankston.

VERONICA: Of course.

MS J: Anyway, the doctor then went on to say that the guy she slept with gave her an STI that she could have only contracted if the guy had slept with a corpse.

The waitress brings the mains to a table that is stunned to silence.  She looks at everyone’s shocked faces, quietly places the bowls down and backs away to leave.

VERONICA: You’re shitting me.

MS T: That’s disturbing.

MS G: Can you imagine hearing something like that!?

MS J: Furthermore, the doctor said that for her to have contracted the infection, he had to have slept with the corpse at least two hours prior to having slept with her.

VERONICA: Holy fuck.

MS S: I’m googling this thing.  I have to know what it is. (takes out her i- phone)

MS T: I really don’t know what to say to that.

MS G: Where do you sleep with a corpse?  Did he have a collection or something?

MS J: Well, they managed to hunt him down and arrest him. He worked in a morgue.

MS T: That’s disturbing.

MS G: How can people do that!?

MS J: That’s what I asked my friend who told me that story, and she looked at me as if I was an idiot and said “clearly he’s fucked in the head.”

VERONICA: That’s a fair enough assumption.

MS S: Found it.

ALL: What’s the name of it?

MS S: Urban Legend.  They say it’s a made up story.

MS J: What? No! But it happened.  It happened to a friend of a friend of mine.

MS T: Ah, never mind.  Good story though.

VERONICA: You could really scare a teenager with that.

The girls laugh and continue with their dinner.

Later that night I went home to tell this story to my mum, who’s an ICU Nurse, and has pretty much seen it all.  When I told her about the corpse factor, she didn’t even flinch.  The possibility of receiving an infection from the bacteria of a corpse is extremely possible, and having unprotected sex with someone who has slept with a corpse within a two hour period heightens the risk.  Fact of the matter is, some people are fucked up so let’s just slip one on to be safe.

Learn something new everyday!

THE END.

At the Cricket…

VERONICA is at the cricket watching the Victorian Bushrangers play the Queensland Bulls in a 20/20 Big Bash League.  Her and her friends W, M, and E have spent the majority of the game at the Dean Jones Bar of the MCG knocking back ciders, or in W’s case VB Gold, and have decided to watch the last 5 overs in the family section.

The take their seats.

W: Yeah!  Cricket!

M: Ah pipe down, we’re in the family section now.

W: I’m not swearing.

M: Not yet you’re not.

Queensland batsman, can’t remember which one, mis hits and sends it flying towards David Hussey.

W and E: Yeeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhhhh (Hussey drops it) GAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

VERONICA: Dammit!

W: (sternly) Watch your mouth, there are young children here.

M: They’re thinking it, she said it.  They love it.

E: Do you reckon they’ll smash a 6 our way?

W: Not bloody likely.

Family in front begin to giggle.

Another hit, ball skims straight to Cameron White, who without hesitation, throws it at the stumps…

W, E, M and VERONICA: OooooooooooohhhhHHH!!!!! (…the ball misses by a centimetre) GAHHHHHHHHH!!!!

VERONICA: So close.

E: They’ve done that a lot tonight.

W: I went to school with that guy.

Next ball is hit straight to White who catches it comfortably.

VERONICA, E and M: YEAH!

W: YEAH! I WENT TO SCHOOL WITH THAT GUY! WOOOOOT!!!

During the next few overs, there are a few more dropped catches and another couple of missed run outs.  At  the next break, Doug Bollinger comes on the big screen to do a KFC chicken dance.

M: Geeze, I reckon instead of KFC the cricket should get another sponsor.  Like Specsavers.  These boys need to get their eyes tested.

The family in front burst out laughing, a new bond is formed.

Victoria ended up winning the game, smashing Queensland in fact.  Despite that, we all walked away knowing that M did have a very good point.

THE END.

Coming Out…

VERONICA (age 17) and FRIEND (age 16) are making their way from P.E. to their next classes.

VERONICA: What have you got next?

FRIEND: Physics, you?

VERONICA: Renaissance History.

FRIEND: Are you enjoying that?

VERONICA: Not too bad.

FRIEND: I need to grab a computer in my spare to chat to Chloe.

VERONICA: Who’s Chloe?

FRIEND: Haven’t I told you about her?

VERONICA: No, I don’t think so.

FRIEND: Oh, well she’s my girlfriend.  So…I’m gay.

VERONICA: Oh, that’s cool.  My class is down here, I’ll see you at lunch.

FRIEND: Ok, see ya.

LUNCH TIME:

VERONICA and FRIEND sit down to lunch.

VERONICA: So how did you meet Chloe?

FRIEND: Oh,well she’s from Adelaide, but she came down to visit some of her friends who live in Melbourne for the weekend, and we just really got along.

VERONICA: That’s cool. Have you guys been going out long?

FRIEND: Well, we’ve been chatting on-line a lot, and we’ve been out a couple of times.  It’s kind of hard because she lives in Adelaide, but she’s going to move down to Melbourne soon and we’re going to hang out a lot more then.

VERONICA: Awesome.

At that moment, CRYSTAL, the schools Prayer Group leader, approaches VERONICA and FRIEND:

CRYSTAL: (to FRIEND) Hi, I overheard what you guys were talking about, and I just thought you should know, and I’m really sorry to have to tell you this, but you’re going to burn in hell.

(stunned silence)

FRIEND: That’s alright Crystal, I forgive you.

THE END.