Marta’s ‘ah ha’ moment…

MARTA and VERONICA sit in the living room watching TV.  MARTA is flicking through a random gossip magazine.

She scoffs.

VERONICA: What?

MARTA: I don’t know why I read this shit anymore.  This is unbelievable.

VERONICA: Yeah, I’m quite over them myself.

MARTA: It’s fucking ridiculous.  Look at this: “5 steps to your body after baby” and they have a picture of Gisele Bundchen next to it.  Right, because that’s totally in line with their first step: “Set Realistic Goals”.  Because realistically, we can all look like Gisele Bundchen after we’ve popped one out.

VERONICA laughs.

MARTA: Oh, and then step number 2. “Exercise every day.”  That’s right, because that’s totally realistic and achievable after you’ve given birth and your caring for a newborn.  Oh wait, turn the page, what do we have here?  A recipe for strawberry and ricotta muffins with whipped cream and powdered sugar, you know, to help you with getting your body back.  Fucking ridiculous.

VERONICA: Fuck you make me laugh.

MARTA: I wish I could laugh.  You know, this is what the health industry feeds on, shit like this.  They throw these food and recipe ideas at you so you gorge, and then give you these fucking healthy body tips that come with suggestions for expensive foot wear, vitamins and work out gear so they can bleed you dry of every cent you have.  That’s how they do it, I swear.  I’m not crazy.  That’s how they make their money you know, by making sure you constantly feel crap about yourself.

VERONICA: Oh I know, I had a rant about it a while back when Jennifer Hawkins did this nude front cover to promote a positive body image.  And the thing is, these magazines only promote positive body image maybe once or twice an issue, where they decide not to airbrush, or put a curvy girl on the front, but every other issue that follows is the same skinny bitch that’s been tweaked to perfection, and the same advertising is thrown in our faces to persuade us that if we have the right treatment and cosmetics, we too may one day look like her.

MARTA: Urgh!  It’s fucking bullshit, I’m so fucking angry.  I would say that I would never buy this shit again if it wasn’t for the fucking crossword puzzles and Sudoku.

VERONICA: Try the puzzles in the newspaper.

MARTA: Nah, they’re too hard.  These ones are easy and make me feel good about myself.

VERONICA: You realise you—

MARTA: Yeah I know, shh.

THE END.

Diets

Short and sweet this one is.

MUM: I’m going on Weight Watchers tomorrow, you want to do it with me?

ME: I thought you were doing it this whole time.

MUM: No, I’m seriously going to do it now.

ME: Go for it.

MUM: Are you doing it with me?

ME: No.

MUM: No support.

ME: No sense.

MUM: I’m going to go to Aunty Maya’s now.

ME: Ok.

MUM: Do we have any chocolate?

ME: Don’t know.

MUM: I’ll bring some home.

THE END.

YES MUM!!

CAST:

MUM

ME

SISTER

Over the course of the past few days.

FRIDAY:

MUM: How was your holiday?

ME: Yeah it was nice.

MUM: What did you do?

ME: We saw the Twelve Apostles, The Grotto, London Bridge, and the Gorge, and then when we weren’t doing anything we were             just lounging around hanging out.

MUM: Nice.  Are you working tomorrow?

ME: Yep.

MUM: Hmm.. are you working on Tuesday?

ME: In the morning, why?

MUM: Oh, well the dog needs to be taken to the groomers.  Never mind.  I’ll ask your sister to take her.

ME: Cool.

SATURDAY:

MUM: How was work?

ME: Same shit, different day.  How was your day?

MUM: Yeah, not too bad.  We have a lot of overdoses in the hospital.

ME: Really?

MUM: Oh yes.  There was one boy, 25, overdosed on pills, and he was brain dead this morning.  (pause) Are you working on                         Tuesday?

ME: Yes Mum, I’m working in the morning.

MUM: Oh, ok.  I’ll ask your sister if she can take the dog.

SUNDAY:

MUM: Are you working today?

ME: No.  Are you?

MUM: No.

ME: That’s nice.

MUM: Are you working on Tuesday?

ME: (sigh) Yes Mum.

SISTER: I already said I would take the dog.

MONDAY MORNING:

ME: So, you’re taking the dog to the groomers?

SISTER: Yup.  Poor thing.  I hate taking her to the vet.  She get’s so scared and starts shaking, I hate it.  Are you working tomorrow?

ME: Seriously?

MONDAY AFTERNOON:

ME: Hi Mum.

MUM: Hi sweetheart.  I just came home myself.  How was work?

ME: Same same.

MUM: Hmmm.   Are you working tomorrow?

(ME stares at MUM)

MUM: I’m only asking to see if you can pick up the dog afterwards.

ME: Yeah, that’s not a problem.

MUM: Tell them I’ll pay them next Wednesday.

ME: It’s alright, I’ll pay for it.

MUM: No, I will.

ME: (pause) Don’t be silly, I can pay it.

MUM: But I can’t pay  you back.

ME: You don’t have to pay me back.

MUM: But you have other things to pay for.

ME: I’ll be alright Mum.

MUM: No.  Just tell them I’m going to pay them next week.

ME: I’m not going to do it, because it’s embarrassing.  I can pay for it Mum, so there’s no problem.

MUM: No!

ME: Don’t be difficult.

MUM: I’m not being difficult. (pause) What time are you working tomorrow?

THE END.

Mum’s take on the I-pad

CAST:

MUM

ME

SISTER

To understand this scene, let me give you the back story.  My mum is obsessed with the i-phone.  Ever since she’s seen my cousin with one she’s convinced she must have one herself.  Never mind that she still has problems with her Nokia from the early 00′s and that she can’t handle predictive text.

MUM, ME and SISTER sit in the living room, MUM by herself on one couch, SISTER and ME sit together on the other, both on our respectable laptops.  MUM looks at SISTER and ME. They are completely involved with their typing and internet, the glowing apple icons staring MUM in the face.

ME looks up and notices MUM staring.

ME: What?

MUM: Nothing.

ME: Why are you looking at us?

MUM: I’m just looking at you on your computers that’s all.

ME goes back to typing on her computer.  SISTER is in deep concentration on the screen of her laptop.

MUM: What on earth are you both doing on your computers?

ME: Updating our social life.

MUM: Pfft.

ME: What, we look ridiculous?

MUM: No, it’s not that, I’m just looking at your apple computers.

ME: You’re jealous?  You wish you had one?

MUM: No matter no matter, one day I will get my i-phone.

ME: Who knows mum, you might settle for the i-pad!

MUM: Pfft. I-pad.  You know what the i-pad makes you look like?  A midget with an i-phone.

THE END.

Another Morning with Mum

Characters:

Me: A foul-mouthed twenty- something who is not a morning person.

Voice of Mum: A dittery old woman who means well, but is insane.

Set in the present, this scene is held in the loft bedroom of Me.

Light seeps through the venetian blinds into Me’s bedroom as the sun rises.  Her alarm begins to chime and she immediately hits the snooze button and rolls over to go back to sleep.

10 minutes pass.  In that time more light has entered through the blinds, dogs within the neighbourhood are beginning to bark and the smell of coffee from the next door neighbour’s kitchen begins to waft through Me’s open window.  The alarm chimes again.

Me lunges for the phone and hits the snooze button again.

ME: Actually!  [reaches for the phone] I’m going to sleep in, screw the morning walk.

Me turns the alarm off completely, throws the phone across the room and rolls over to go back to sleep.

The home phone rings.

ME: <answering> Hello?

VOICE OF MUM: Hello?

ME: Hi Mum.

VOICE OF MUM: Hello.

Silence

ME: What’s going on Mum?

VOICE OF MUM: Were you sleeping?

ME: Yes, but I should get up anyway.

VOICE OF MUM: I’m sorry, I’ll call again when you’re more awake.

ME: It’s ok Mum, what do you want.

VOICE OF MUM: I just wanted to talk to you about something, but it’s ok, I’ll call you when you’re more awake.  I’ll call you in half an hour.

ME: Look, mum, I’ve got a busy morning ahead of me and I need to get ready for work, so what is it?

VOICE OF MUM: I just wanted to talk to you about something, but I’ll talk to you when you’re more awake, because I need you to be awake.

ME: What is it mum!

VOICE OF MUM: I just need you to set something up on the digital recorder for me.

ME: Fine. <Hangs up.> For fucks sake.

Rolls over to go back to sleep.  Turns left, turns right.

ME: FUCK!

Me can’t fall asleep.

ME: <Getting out of bed>. Just one sleep in I want.  Just one. Nope, phone has to ring.  Of course.  Is it important?  Well, I don’t know, it depends on how you look at it, because we all know if a certain someone misses her special Polish drama then there’ll be hell to pay for the next month and a half. Christ.

Me stumbles around readying herself for the morning ahead.  She puts on a pot of coffee, finds the cereal and gets her diary and computer out.  She sends off a few e-mails and checks on a couple of bills.  When she is done she pours herself a cup of coffee and sits to have her breakfast.

The phone rings.

ME: <Answering>. Hi Mum.

VOICE OF MUM: Hello.  How are you?

ME: Good, what do you want me to do.

VOICE OF MUM: Where you home last night.

ME: Yes.

VOICE OF MUM: No you weren’t, you were out.

ME: Yes, I know I was out, but I came home.

VOICE OF MUM: Oh, I didn’t hear you come in.  Where did you go?

ME: I went to see a play.

VOICE OF MUM: Oh.

Silence

ME: Look, mum, what did you want me to do with this thing?

VOICE OF MUM: Oh right.  So you know the grey remote?

ME: Yeah.

VOICE OF MUM: Just press one.

ME: What?

VOICE OF MUM: I just need you to press the number one.

ME: You need me to be fully awake for that?

VOICE OF MUM: Did you put on a play?

ME: What?  No. I went to see that subscription thing you gave me.

VOICE OF MUM: Oh, how was it.

ME: It was bad.

VOICE OF MUM: Why?

ME: Look, mum, is that all? Because I’ve got to go.

Mum hangs up.

ME: Ugh, great. There’s another month of silent treatment.

END