MUM, AUNTY M, and UNCLE D discuss the troubles of growing old over tea and biscuits.
AUNTY M: (To MUM) More tea?
MUM: Sure, I’ll have one more before I go. Tell me Monica, do you have any Green Tea?
AUNTY M: What’s that?
MUM: Green Tea? It’s a Chinese Tea.
UNCLE D: We don’t drink that shit here. Why would we need Chinese Tea? We’re European.
MUM: It’s very good for you.
AUNTY M: What does it taste like?
MUM: It’s very nice, once you get used to it.
UNCLE D: Bah. Monica, make me a coffee.
MUM: Detlef, I thought you would be more open-minded at your age.
UNCLE DF: What do you know about people at my age? Compared to me, you’re still just a baby.
MUM: The older you get, the less the age difference matters.
UNCLE D: Really? I lived through the second world war. I was a soldier. Did you live through it?
MUM: No, I wasn’t born then.
UNCLE D: So there, age does make a difference
AUNTY M: Detlef, you’re not making any sense.
UNCLE D: I’m making perfect sense. (To MUM) I travelled, I fought, I have seen evil in the face. Woman, I am the way I am because I have seen the world for what it is, don’t talk to me about being open-minded.
MUM: What has Green Tea have to do with evil?
AUNTY M: Detlef, you are getting old. I think you’re losing your mind.
UNCLE D: I don’t know why I bother talking to you two anyway. Get me some biscuits with the coffee too.
MUM: (Imitating DETLEF) “Ugh, get me this. Ugh, get me that.” Do you want her to shine your shoes for you too?
UNCLE D: While she’s at it, why not? She could make herself useful.
MUM: You’re awful.
AUNTY M: (bringing the tea and coffee over) Don’t pay attention to him. He does it for fun. He’s bored because no one usually wants to talk to him.
UNCLE D: Where’s my biscuit?
AUNTY M: You don’t need one.
UNCLE D: I didn’t say I needed one, I said I wanted one.
MUM: Detlef, your diabetes.
UNCLE D: Piss off, you’re not my nurse.
AUNTY M: If you want one, then you know where they are. I’m not getting you anything that will get me into trouble. The doctor said you need to stick to your diet.
UNCLE D: (getting biscuits) What would he know, arrogant prick.
AUNTY M: I don’t know how I stand it.
MUM: He’s getting worse.
UNCLE D: Stop talking about me like I’m not here.
MUM: Enough Detlef! Get your biscuit and shut up! (To MONICA) How are the kids?
AUNTY M: Andreas is doing well. He and Rosie just bought a new house, but it’s too big.
MUM: Really?
AUNTY M: Too many rooms. They’re only a small family, two kids don’t need that much room.
UNCLE D: (sitting back down) They didn’t buy it for the room.
MUM: Well, you don’t know that Detlef.
UNCLE D: Bullshit I don’t know. He bought it for the same reason anyone else buys big expensive shiny things, to show the world how much money he’s earning.
AUNTY M: It is a bit too much.
MUM: And what about Bjorn?
AUNTY M: Really good. Loves his job, loves his live over there. He met a girl that he’s very happy with, (sadly) he might just be staying over there.
MUM: Are you not happy?
AUNTY M: He’ll just be so far away.
UNCLE D: Fuck him. If he wants to live there, so be it.
MUM: Detlef, why do you have to be so mean?
UNCLE D: Mean? Monica and I worked tooth and nail to leave that bloody country so we could set up here to give a better life for our kids, and now he wants to go back to it?
MUM: But things change Detlef.
UNCLE D: Rubbish.
AUNTY M: I suppose it will give me a good excuse to go visit more often.
MUM: Just you? (To DETLEF) You wouldn’t visit?
AUNTY M: Don’t get him started.
UNCLE D: He wants to live there, fine. I can’t stop him. But don’t expect me to travel there and back just to see him. He wants to see me, he knows where I am.
MUM: What if he doesn’t want to come and see you?
UNCLE D: What do I care? I’m an old man who’s losing his mind.
MUM: That reminds me, Detlef, how is your mother?
UNCLE D: Ask Monica.
AUNTY M: We had to fly her back, she didn’t like it here.
UNCLE D: You want to talk about losing your mind? She lost it alright.
MUM: She got worse?
UNCLE D: Waking up in the middle of the night, not knowing where she is, or who we are–
AUNTY M: She was so confused. You had to tell her all the time that she was in Australia, that she had come to visit us, that we were taking care of her here. It wasn’t all horrible though, she had her good days too.
UNCLE D: She didn’t know who I was. Her own son.
MUM: Well, Detlef, this is dementia.
UNCLE D: It’s Alzheimers.
AUNTY M: She was crying all the time.
MUM: Poor thing.
UNCLE D: Yeah, poor her. I wish I was in her la la land.
MUM: And so where is she? Staying with your brother.
UNCLE D: He couldn’t handle her, so he stuck her in a home.
MUM: Oh no.
UNCLE D: And that’s that.
MUM: That’s terrible.
UNCLE D: That’s life.
MUM: You would have put her in a home too?
UNCLE D: No. I would have had her here. I wanted to keep her here, but she didn’t want to stay.
AUNTY M: But she didn’t like it here. She was distressed all the time, it’s not good for your health to be like that.
UNCLE D: So we sent her back.
MUM: Did you tell your brother not to put her in a home?
UNCLE D: Look, my brother is an asshole, even if I begged him not to put her in a home, he would still do it. What’s done is done, and there’s nothing I can do. She will die in a home. Slowly.
MUM: This is horrible.
AUNTY M: But this is how it will be for some of us.
MUM: No, not for me. I will never be like that.
UNCLE D: Sure. You drink enough Green Tea, I’m sure you will out live your children.
MUM: Detlef, come on, that’s not what I mean.
AUNTY M: We don’t have control of how we age. It happens without us realising, sometimes.
MUM: Yes, but we can choose to live a healthy lifestyle, to eat right, to exercise our minds and bodies.
UNCLE D: No amount of exercise would have helped my mother. When your mind starts to go, there’s no stopping it.
MUM: We don’t know that. There is so much research, and we don’t know what could happen in 10 or even 5 years from now.
UNCLE D: And if it’s still all the same, then what? You’ll just be sitting there, like a vegetable, rotting in your children’s home.
AUNTY M: Detlef, please. Can we talk about something else?
MUM: I wouldn’t do that to my children.
UNCLE D: You have no control over that.
MUM: Bullshit. My children know that I would never do that to them.
UNCLE D: Really? And what are you going to do. Freeze yourself till they find a cure for old age?
MUM: No. I will go down to the basement, and hang myself.
AUNTY MONICA gasps.
UNCLE D: (laughing) By the time you get to that stage, you’ll be too senile to remember where you put the rope!
pause
MUM: I suppose you’re right.
They drink their tea in silence.
END.
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