Next time, don’t ask…

VERONICA is adding up a CUSTOMER’s order and spots his unusual key ring.

VERONICA: (taking his money) Is that a rabbit’s tail?

CUSTOMER: (Looking at his keys) No.  It’s something else.  Have a think of what it is.

VERONICA: Um…

CUSTOMER: It comes from a kangaroo.

VERONICA: (confused) Oh my god, it’s not a kangaroo paw is it?

CUSTOMER: No, it’s not a paw.  Here, have a feel and see what they remind you of.

VERONICA: (putting a finger to it) Oh my god, it’s not–is it?

CUSTOMER chuckles as he collects his change and walks away.

BOSS: (walking past) Probably a good idea to wash your hands.

VERONICA: Who the hell thinks roo testicles are a good idea for a key ring?

THE END.

Misheard Lyric

MUM and VERONICA are driving home from a BBQ with the car radio on.

Bruno Mars’ ‘Just the Way You Are’ comes on.

They listen quietly until the following lyric comes up.

“So don’t even bother asking
If you look okay
You know I say”

MUM: What’s the point of that?

VERONICA: What do you mean?

MUM: This song is confusing me, it doesn’t make any sense.

VERONICA: He’s just singing about how he likes his girlfriend the way she is. In that lyric, he saying don’t bother asking me if you look ok, because to me you always look amazing.

MUM: Oh! All this time I was hearing ‘don’t bother asking me if I like cocaine’!

THE END.

The Cheek of the guy

Banter between VERONICA and a CUSTOMER

VERONICA: Hi what can I get for you?

CUSTOMER: Plain pie and a sausage roll.

VERONICA: Sauce?

CUSTOMER: Sure.

VERONICA: Anything else?

CUSTOMER: Just this drink.

VERONICA: Anything else?

CUSTOMER: Cinnamon donut.

VERONICA: Anything else?

CUSTOMER: Vanilla slice.

VERONICA: Do you want a bag for those?

CUSTOMER: Love one.

VERONICA grabs a bag and beings packing the stock and adding it up.

VERONICA: Anything else with those?

CUSTOMER: (handing her money) Yeah, what time you coming round?

VERONICA: No time.  (handing his change) But points for being smooth.  Have a nice day.

THE END.

Dad Joke

BRIT and VERONICA are serving two customers in the bakery.

BRIT: Hi, what can I get for you?

CUSTOMER 1: Loaf of Light Rye thank you, sliced for toast.

VERONICA: (to CUSTOMER 2) Is there anything I can get for you?

CUSTOMER 2: No thanks, I’m just with him.

CUSTOMER 1: Yeah, he’s tagging along you see.

VERONICA: That’s fair enough then.

BRIT: (to Customer 1) Is there anything else that I can get for you?

CUSTOMER 1: No thank you, that should be enough. (to CUSTOMER 2) Here, you want to know something interesting?

CUSTOMER 2: What’s that?

CUSTOMER 1: Every time she (points to BRIT) serves me she gives me the Light Rye, and every time she (points to VERONICA) serves me, I get the Dark Rye.

VERONICA: No I don’t.  Besides, we don’t even make Dark Rye, stop telling fibs!

CUSTOMER 2: Well, it seems like it’s all in the Rye of the beholder.

Happy Father’s Day

END.

Back home

VERONICA brings SISTER back home from the airport.  SISTER turns on her phone to receive a barrage of text messages all from the one person.

SISTER: Jesus Christ.

VERONICA: What?

SISTER: Listen to these.  These are all messages sent from dad.  I’ll read them out to you.

“Are you there yet?”

“When are you coming home? I want to meet you at the airport?”

“Are you home yet?”

“How is Amsterdam?”

“What are you doing.”

“You can text me at this number.”

“Have you got your passport with you?”

“Remember to do your taxes.”

“You can reach me at this number.”

The phone rings.

VERONICA: Taking bets on who that is?

THE END.