SISTER: (looking more closely at the earrings) These are nice.  Are they new?

MUM: Yes.

SISTER: Where did you get them?

MUM: Oh you know…(goes quiet).

SISTER: What?

MUM: Ok, I actually bought them as a Christmas present for you.

SISTER: Nice Mum.  That’s real nice.

MUM: Well, after I bought them, I thought that they were pretty similar to the earrings you wear already.

SISTER: No Mum.  You didn’t think that.

MUM: But I bought you something else.

SISTER: That’s ok.  If I hate that present I’ll just rip my original present off your ears.

MUM laughs. 

SISTER: Why are you laughing?

THE END. 

MUM and VERONICA are in the car driving home.  They talk about their day. 

VERONICA: So you know how I brought in my lunch today?

MUM: Mmm hmm.

VERONICA: Well, I actually had to borrow a fork from one of the guys at work because there are never any forks in the kitchen–

MUM: You want to know something funny?

VERONICA: What?

MUM: When I first came to Australia, I couldn’t pronounce the differentiation between “forks” and “fox”, to me it sounded the same.  When I would be in a restaurant and asked: ‘Can I have some fox please?’ people gave me funny looks.

VERONICA laughs. 

MUM: Now I know the difference.  FOOOOORKS.

VERONICA: That’s classic.

MUM: I still have trouble.  I can’t pronounce differently “butter” and “batter”.

VERONICA: Well you just got to try to stress the ‘a’ sound in “batter”

MUM: BAAAATER.  BAAAATER.  BAA BAA (mocking a sheep) BAAAATER.

VERONICA: Hmm, well maybe that’s easier said than done.  But you’ll figure it out.

MUM: I also can’t pronounce differently “sheet” and “shit”.

VERONICA bursts out laughing. 

MUM: Honestly to me it sounds the same. How do I pronounce it differently?

VERONICA: Ok,  when I say the word sheet, I elongate the “ee” sound slightly.  ”Sheet”.  Did you hear that?

MUM: Not really.

VERONICA: Well, here, when I say the word “shit”, I don’t need to elongate anything.  It’s just “shit”.  Short, punchy and straight to the point.

MUM: Shit. Shit. Shit.

VERONICA: There you go.

MUM: Sheet Sheet Sheet (all pronounced “shet”)

VERONICA: Hmmm.

MUM: Shit.

THE END.

VERONICA: Hi Mum.

MUM: Hello.  How was your outing?

VERONICA: Yeah, good.

MUM stifles another giggle. 

VERONICA: What’s going on?

MUM: It’s a shame you couldn’t help me clear out the basement today.

VERONICA: Why?

MUM: (putting large pink box on the kitchen table) Because you could have stopped me finding these.

VERONICA: (looking at the box in horror) Mum! NO!

MUM: I didn’t know you had kept so many diaries when you were younger.

VERONICA: (Trying to grab the box off her) Mum, come on, that’s not for people to read.

MUM: But it was down in the basement.

VERONICA: That doesn’t make it reading for the public!

MUM: I’m not the public, I’m your mother. (takes a diary out of the box) I thought this entry was really cute (reads) “Dear Diary–

VERONICA: Oh god.

MUM: (reads) ”We didn’t go camping today.  We might go camping tomorrow.  I asked Mum if we could go tomorrow and she said yes.”

VERONICA: Please stop.

MUM: (reads) “I’m so excited.  I can’t wait to go camping and go to the beach.”

VERONICA: Mum!

MUM: This is so sweet.

VERONICA: I don’t care.  Can I have the diary back please?

MUM: You can, but on one condition.

VERONICA: Ok, I will help you clean the basement next week.  I promise.

MUM: That’s not the condition.

VERONICA: What is it then?

MUM: I want to keep this (holds up a piece of paper with a decorative border around it).

VERONICA: (not recognising it) What is it?

MUM: It’s a letter you wrote.

VERONICA: (reads the letter to herself) Shit.  I can’t even remember writing this.

MUM: You did.  It’s addressed to a boy and you wrote your name on the bottom, see: “Love Veron–”

VERONICA: I see it, I see it.

MUM: Who was the boy?

VERONICA: Honestly, I can’t remember.

MUM: Well then, you won’t mind me keeping it.

VERONICA: Why do you want it so much?

MUM: I think it’s beautiful.

VERONICA: You’re not going to show it to anyone are you?

MUM: No. (pause) No one you know anyway.

VERONICA: MUM!

MUM: Ok, ok, I won’t show anyone.

VERONICA: Alright, you can have it.  Just don’t ever look in this box again.

MUM: Are their more letters like this in there?

VERONICA: Don’t push it mum.

MUM: Ok. Ok.  Don’t take it so personally.

THE END. 

MICHELLE: What’s wrong?

VERONICA: Creep alert.

MICHELLE: Where?

VERONICA: To my right.

MICHELLE looks through the crowd to find a man, toting a plastic green drink bottle, standing alone and drunkenly swaying, leering at their group of friends. 

MICHELLE: Nah, he looks harmless enough, the drink bottle is a bit weird though.  He seems to be pretty interested in you.

VERONICA: Shit.  I figured if I stopped dancing, he’ll longer be able to see me, or he’ll lose interest or something.

MICHELLE: Well it didn’t work because he’s coming this way, I’ll leave you guys to it.  You’re lucky night!

VERONICA: Oi!

MICHELLE dances away.  VERONICA turns to make her escape to the bar only to find the MAN right in front of her. 

MAN: Hi! You want some whisky? (holds up drink bottle)

VERONICA: No.

MAN: Do you want to dance?

VERONICA: No.

MAN: No?  You don’t drink whisky and you don’t want to dance?  Come on, don’t be such a square.  You never know, I could make it worth your while.

VERONICA: I’ll take my chances, now if you’ll excu–

MAN: Oh come on!  Dance with me, burn some calories!

Pause.

VERONICA: Pardon?

MAN: Burn some calories!  If you won’t dance for me, at least dance for you.

VERONICA: Wow. Amazing.

MAN: Thank you.

VERONICA: Does that really work for you?

MAN: Oh, you know, sometimes.

VERONICA: Sometimes?  How many times?

No answer. 

VERONICA: That’s what I thought.  Hey listen, Don Juan, whilst spending the night dancing with you sounds like the opportunity of a life time, I’m going to have to still say no.  My friend (points to MICHELLE) has been looking at you all night.

MAN: Really?

VERONICA: Oh yeah.  She won’t admit these things, but I can always tell.

MAN: (making his way towards MICHELLE) Hey! You drink whiskey?

VERONICA disappears towards the bar

THE END. 

VERONICA: Hi Mum.

MUM: Hello sweetheart, I’m so sorry to be calling you at work.

VERONICA: That’s ok Mum, what’s up?

MUM: I wanted to ask you a question about your Masters course.

VERONICA: What about it?

MUM: When you were applying for the degree, did you have to write an essay about why you should be accepted?

VERONICA:  Yeah I did.  I think it was something like a 500 word minimum.

MUM: Shit.  I have to write one for my application.

VERONICA:  It’s pretty straight forward though.  You’ve just got to write about why you’re applying and how you think this course will benefit your career or professional development.  Stuff like that.  You’ll be done in no time.

MUM: Do you still have yours?

VERONICA: Well, I didn’t save it on a USB stick, it’d be on my old computer.

MUM: But it would still be on the hard drive.

VERONICA: Yeah, but on my old computer.  I was still working on the PC back then.

MUM: Do you think it would still be on there?

VERONICA: It could be, but we’ll never know because you can’t even turn the damn thing on.

MUM: Fuck.

VERONICA: Mum, even if you had it, it wouldn’t be of any use to you.  My Masters is on Arts Management, which is nothing like what you’re doing.

MUM: Yes I know, but it still would have been useful to use as a guideline.

VERONICA:  Well, I’m sorry I can’t get it for you, but honestly you’ll be fine without it.

MUM: But I wanted to see what you did.

VERONICA: Mum, our Masters are in two completely different things.  Just write about your research and published work, and you’ll be done before you know it.

MUM: Ok.  But you’ll have to start it for me.

VERONICA: You mean look over it for you.

MUM: No, I mean start it for me.

Pause

VERONICA: Er…well, I don’t mind looking it over for you, when you’re done with writing it.

MUM: Veronica!

VERONICA: Come on Mum, if you get a start on it now you’ll be done before I get home from work.

MUM: Oh piss off.   (Hangs up)

THE END.

Phone rings.  VERONICA answers. 

VERONICA: Hello?

PEG: Oh hello.  I’m not calling too late am I?

VERONICA: Not at all.

PEG: Who am I speaking too?  Is that you Marta?

VERONICA: No, it’s Veronica.  How are you Peg?

PEG: Oh!  You recognise my voice!

VERONICA: Of course I do.

PEG:  I wasn’t sure if you would remember who I was, we haven’t spoken in so long.

VERONICA: I could never forget you Peg.

PEG: (holding back a slight sob) Oh you’re a dear girl.  Is your mother home?

VERONICA: No, she’s gone to Europe.

PEG: She’s still there!? When did she leave? Oh wait, she was telling me that she was going to leave at the end of the month, and she must have meant last month, not this month.  Did she leave at the end of July?  Well she must have because she’s still over there.  Because she did tell me that she was going to go to Poland and Germany and the like, but I wasn’t sure when she was going to go, and because I haven’t been in touch with you for so long, I had just simply forgotten that she was actually due to go.  You were going to go to Europe at some point weren’t you?

VERONICA: Well I was planning to but–

PEG: For work? For pleasure?

VERONICA: Well, for both.  But my cousin is getting married next year, and I will only really be able to afford to go the one time.

PEG: That’s the way it goes sometimes.  That’s the one from Germany right?

VERONICA: That’s the one.

PEG: Well, you just make sure you go on a long holiday then.  You and your sister still living at home?

VERONICA: For the moment.

PEG: What do you mean for the moment?

VERONICA:  Well, I will be looking to move out soon, now that I’ve finished with school–

PEG: What for?

VERONICA: Well, it’s time to grow up and–

PEG: What do you mean grow up?  You’re already grown up.  You’ve got your degrees, you’ve got your job, you’re your own person, you’re not some free loader. What growing up do you need to do away from home that you haven’t already done in the home?  Listen, when I was your age, I still lived with my parents and didn’t move out till I was married.  You have a boyfriend yet?

VERONICA: No.

PEG: Why not?  You’re a good looking girl, why are you still single?

VERONICA: Well, I wasn’t actively looking while I was studying.  Don’t worry Peg, now that I’m finished with school, I’m making the time for it.

PEG:  Good girl. How about your sister?

VERONICA: She’s found someone.

PEG: Polish?

VERONICA: No.

PEG: Oh.  Australian?

VERONICA: No.  Irish.

PEG: Irish! (pauses to contemplate) They drink a lot don’t they?

VERONICA: Well, this one doesn’t drink!

PEG: Doesn’t drink!

VERONICA: Not a drop.

PEG: Good luck with a Polish girl then.  Does he work?

VERONICA: He does something with computer applications.

PEG: So he’s smart.

VERONICA: Yeah he’s smart.

PEG: And he makes her happy?

VERONICA: Seems to.

PEG: Well I guess that’s all you need in a man.  As long as he’s smart, makes his own money and can make you happy, then you’ll be fine.

VERONICA: That’s the dream.

PEG: Good to hear.  Alright darling, well I’ll leave you to it.  If you speak to your mother, tell her that I invite you over to my place when she comes back.  It’d be good to see you girls.

VERONICA: Alright, I’ll let her know.

PEG: You’re in my prayers darling.  Good luck on your manhunt.  Find yourself a nice husband, and if he’s Polish, it’s a bonus.

VERONICA: (under her breath) I doubt it.

PEG: What was that?

VERONICA: Thanks for the thought!  I’ll talk to you later Peg.

PEG: Hugs and kisses sweetheart. Good night.

THE END. 

MUM: I was on the phone to your Aunt Deb.

MARTA: How is she?

MUM: She’s fine.  I’ve made some arrangements.

VERONICA: What arrangements?

MUM: For when I’m gone, your Aunt Deb said she’ll bring over some of Uncle Luke’s old work boots.

MARTA: What for?

MUM: Well, we’re going to put them out the front of the house.

VERONICA: Why?

MUM: So that it gives the impression a big man lives here.

Pause. 

MARTA: Are you serious?

VERONICA: You’re kidding right?

MUM: No, a lot of people do that.  I think–

MARTA: Mum, we’ve been fine all the other times you’ve gone away.

VERONICA: I cannot believe I had to hear that!

MUM: What?

VERONICA: You seriously think an old pair of boots is a security measure?  Can I ask, what protection do you offer when you’re here?  You’re a frail old lady!

MUM:  Ok ok, point made.

VERONICA:  I cannot believe that we actually had to hear that.

MARTA: I can’t believe that was an real conversation you had with someone.

VERONICA: Un-fucken-believable.

THE END.

MARTA:  Oh yeah, I saw this too.  Have you seen the one with the pugs sleeping next to each other?

VERONICA: No, not yet.

MUM:  Find me the one on YouTube with the fox.

VERONICA: What fox?

MUM:  You know, the fox.

VERONICA:  What?

MUM:  Don’t be like that, you were telling me about it yesterday.

VERONICA: No I wasn’t.  What fox?  I don’t know what you’re talking about.

MARTA and MUM stare at VERONICA. 

VERONICA: What?

MUM: Why are you like that?

VERONICA: Like what?

MARTA: Like a bitch when we ask something of you?

VERONICA: I wasn’t being a bitch, I don’t know what she’s talking about.

MUM: Whenever we ask to borrow something from you–

MARTA: You never have it.  Whenever we want to know something—

MUM: You don’t know what we’re talking about.

VERONICA: But I really don’t know what you’re talking about.

Silence as VERONICA watches a video on her computer, and MUM and MARTA continue staring at her. 

MUM: Did you find it?

VERONICA:  No, I’m watching a different vid– I really don’t know any video with a fox in it.

MUM: You were telling me about it yesterday.

VERONICA: Well, what was it then.

MUM: It was this fox, and then there were chickens and the hatch came down–oh you know what, don’t worry about it.

VERONICA: Someone else told you about it?

MUM: No, I remember where I saw it now.

MARTA: Where?

MUM: It was a dream I had.

MARTA: Good one Mum.

THE END. 

MUM: Who?

MARTA: George’s mum.

MUM: What mum?

VERONICA: George’s mum is in the Masterchef kitchen.

MUM: Who is she?

MARTA and VERONICA: GEORGE’S MUM!

MUM: What? What mum, I can’t see her.

VERONICA: JESUS CHRIST! It’s George’s Mum.  Have a look and see if you can’t find the only woman there!

Pause

MUM: They all look the same to me.

THE END. 

VERONICA:  I don’t know why, but you all seem to be convinced that I have some secret boyfriend I’m seeing.

B: Well, yeah.  It’s just strange.  You’ve started wearing make-up all of a sudden–

VERONICA: What!  I’ve started wearing it since the beginning of this year, and you know why?

B: Why?

VERONICA: Because I woke up one day and found wrinkles under my eyes.  I’m not even 30 and I’ve got wrinkles.

B bursts out laughing.

B: So it’s not because you’re seeing someone?

VERONICA: No!  My god, if I had one, I would tell you.  Hell, I’d tell you all before I even told my own mother.

B: Really?

VERONICA: Oh yeah, my mum would be the last to know.

B: Seriously?  Why?

VERONICA: Oh my god, mum and boyfriends do not mix.

B: Doesn’t like any of them?

VERONICA:  It’s not that she’s anti boyfriend, she’s just anti relationship in general.  She’s convinced that we unconsciously throw away our lives being in one.

B: Really?

VERONICA:  Oh yeah.  When I was in high school I got a call from a boy.  One boy.  Through out the whole time I was in high school I got one call from a boy and she flipped out, stood outside my bed room door the ENTIRE conversation and then proceeded to give me a 15 min lecture about how I was a in high school and I was not to dropout of school for a boy.

B:  What!?

VERONICA: I know, the whole thing didn’t make any sense.  I was only 15 for crying out loud.

B: And she’s always been like this.

VERONICA:  The last relationship I was in, it was in the middle of my honours year so it wasn’t the best time to start one, but it happened and you deal.  Anyway, I was over at his place and she rang my phone and was almost in hysterics: “Where are you?” she says. “I’m coming to get you.  Do I need to remind you that you’re doing your honours?”  She acted as if I had ran off to join the circus.

B laughs. 

VERONICA: My sister cops it too.  She was talking to us about her latest boyfriend and the pet peeves that you always have with them, and she mentioned that she was sick and tired of always having to come up with something to do and places to go.

B:  Oh yeah, that shits me too.

VERONICA: Common thing right?  Mum’s reaction: “Oh, it’ll never work.”

B: But it’s a little thing.

VERONICA: That’s what we told her.  ”Yes, but it’s the little things that count.”

B: And that’s how she’s always been?

VERONICA: Yup.

B: What are you going to do if you get married?

VERONICA: Simple, not getting married.

B: Really? You’ll never get married.

VERONICA: Hmm…well, maybe I will, but I just won’t tell her.

THE END.