Dad’s party…

VERONICA walks up to her DAD’s doorstep.  It’s his 60th birthday and she’s not really looking forward to it, mainly because there will be a lot of other 50- 60+’s who have been nicely liquored up with loose tongues who don’t give a second thought to what comes out of their mouths.  She is reluctant to ring the doorbell but she must, MARTA has been there for the past hour, and she can’t leave her alone with them.  She takes a deep breath and rings the bell.

DAD answers the door.

DAD: You’ve made it!  You’re late.

VERONICA: I know, sorry, I had to take care of a few things at home.

DAD: Everything ok?

VERONICA: Yeah, everything’s fine.

DAD: You didn’t have to tend to an emergency or anything?

VERONICA: No, I just had to take care of something before I left.

DAD: Well, if it wasn’t urgent you could have been here earlier.  Never mind, you’re here now.  Come on in, everyone is seated at the table.  We had to start without you.

VERONICA: I wouldn’t have expected you to wait for me.

DAD: You hungry?

VERONICA: I’m not starving, but I’ll eat something.

She goes into the kitchen to say hello to her STEP- MOTHER, who is nicely drunk with her other friends.

STEP- MOTHER: Ahh!! She’s here! Look look she’s here, she’s here.  (hugs VERONICA) Oh you’re so beautiful.

VERONICA: (hugging her back) Hi.

STEP – MOTHER: (hitting her arm) Where have you been?

VERONICA: I know I’m late–

STEP – MOTHER: No, this is the first time I’m seeing you in months.  I think the last time I saw you was 4 months ago.

Well, yes, they haven’t seen each other in a while, but no one had picked up the phone to call the other, so VERONICA failed to see the problem.  Nevertheless, she bites her tongue.

VERONICA: I’ve just been really busy.

STEP- MOTHER: You work too much.

VERONICA: I guess I do.

DRUNK FRIEND 1: Well good for you.  I work hard too.  All the time.  Right now, I’m working hard on getting very drunk.

STEP – MOTHER: Yes, well you’re getting in my way, I have to finish cooking.

DRUNK FRIEND 1: You’re only boiling potatoes, you can pour me a drink while you’re at it.

DRUNK FRIEND 2: You already have a drink.

DRUNK FRIEND 1: Where?

DRUNK FRIEND 2: In your hand.

STEP – MOTHER: Get out both of you and stop bothering me.

DRUNK FRIEND 2: Let’s leave her alone with her potatoes.

VERONICA: I’ll go and sit down.

STEP- MOTHER: Yes!  And eat something!  Wait, I’ll fix you a plate.

VERONICA: You don’t need to, I can do it myself.

STEP- MOTHER: Alright.  I’ll be there in a second.

DRUNK FRIEND 1: Second drink?  I’ll make you one.

VERONICA goes to sit down at the table.  She looks over to MARTA, who is fuming.

MARTA: Took your time!

VERONICA: I know, sorry.  Did I miss anything?

MARTA: Not really, I saved you a seat next to the creepy guy.

Looks across the table, and sure enough there’s an old single Polish man leering at her.

VERONICA: Thanks, I owe you one. (walks over to take her seat.)

CREEPY GUY: And who is this intoxicating woman?

VERONICA: (fighting the urge to vomit) I’m Veronica.

CREEPY GUY: What a beautiful name.  But of course, I wouldn’t expect anything less from a beautiful lady. (leaning towards VERONICA)

VERONICA: (backing away) How lovely.  Would you mind passing me the water?

CREEPY GUY: Are you sure I can not interest you in wine?

VERONICA: No thank you.  I don’t think I could stomach anything right now.

She sips her water, avoiding his gaze.  His breath smells of cheap wine and garlic.

CREEPY GUY: Are you here alone?

VERONICA: Not really.

CREEPY GUY: Oh, so you have a boyfriend?

VERONICA: No. (He leans in even further) I’m here with family.  I’m the birthday boy’s daughter.

CREEPY GUY: Ah.  (turns to his friends) You told me there would be single women here.

DRUNK FRIEND 3: There are!  There’s one in the kitchen.

CREEPY GUY: I didn’t know that they would all be my age.

MARTA: Ok, I’m going to go now.

VERONICA: What!

MARTA: I’ve got another party to go to.

VERONICA: So do I.

MARTA: Yes, but you just got here, I’ve been here for the past hour.  I’ve paid my dues. (goes to find DAD to say good- bye)

CREEPY GUY: So, how old are you?

VERONICA pretends not to hear him and strikes up a conversation with the couple next to her.  A lovely mild-mannered couple they begin to talk about quitting smoking.  Ironically, VERONICA has never wanted a cigarette more in her life.

After several courses of pierogi later, the guest distribute shots of vodka among themselves and begin to sing happy birthday to DAD in Polish, Russian and English.

DRUNK FRIEND 1: ( to VERONICA) Why are you not drinking?

VERONICA: Well, I’m actually just about to drive over to another party, so unfortunately I have to get going.

The guests protest with a series of “oh no’s”, “stay for a drink” and “have some more pierogi.”

VERONICA: No, I really have to go.

DRUNK FRIEND 4: Ah let her go.  She’s young, and I know these young people and their sex lives.  She’s going out to have sex!

The room falls silent, and all eyes are on VERONICA.  The CREEPY GUY smiles at her.

VERONICA: Well yes.  That’s exactly what I’m about to do.  Which is why I can’t put it off any longer.  I have an urge to fulfil.  So I’m off to have sex now.  Happy Birthday Dad.  Enjoy the rest of your night.

Drunken cheers follow her as she shows herself out.

 

THE END.

Awkward Moments 2

VERONICA sits in the study reading over her notes when the phone rings.

VERONICA: (answering the phone) Hello.

Long pause.

VERONICA: (louder) Hello?

DAD: Errrrrrr, yes.  (pause) Hello?

VERONICA: Yes, hi dad.

DAD: Veronica? Is that you?

VERONICA: Yes, it’s me.

DAD: Ah good.

silence.

VERONICA: What’s going on dad?

DAD: What? Oh nothing.  Just calling to see how you were.

VERONICA: I’m fine.

DAD: You’re fine?

VERONICA: Yes dad, I’m fine.

DAD: You’re not sick?

VERONICA: No dad.

DAD: You’re not in pain?

VERONICA: No dad, I’m fine.

DAD: You’re not working too hard?

VERONICA: If I have a choice.

DAD: What? What does that mean?

VERONICA: It means– don’t worry, it means nothing.  I’m not working too hard.

DAD: You sure?

VERONICA: Yeah.

silence.

VERONICA: Dad, is there another reason you called?

DAD: No, just seeing how you are.

VERONICA: Ok.  Well, as you know, I’m doing well–

DAD: When are you due for a pap-smear?

VERONICA: I’m sorry?

DAD: There’s a commercial on the TV reminding you to have your pap- smear.  You have to have them regularly you know?

long pause

VERONICA: I’m aware of that dad.

DAD: When was the last time you had one?

VERONICA: Er, well, I’m not too sure–

DAD: Well, make sure you book one soon, if you want I can do it for—

VERONICA: That’s not necessary dad, I don’t think you know what doctor I go to.

DAD: Have you had the shots?

VERONICA: What shots?

DAD: The cervical cancer ones.

VERONICA: Oh those, yeah I had those ages ago.

DAD: They were free right?

VERONICA: Yes.

DAD: But you still need to—

VERONICA: Yes dad, I’m aware of what I need to do.

DAD: Don’t get snappy, I’m only reminding you.

VERONICA: Well, seeing as I’m the one with the vagina, I don’t think I need anymore reminding thanks.

DAD: There’s no need to speak like that, Veronica.

VERONICA: There’s no need to speak at all. (hangs up)

Marta comes in from her bedroom.

MARTA: What was all that about?

VERONICA: Nothing, just dad.

MARTA: What did he want?

VERONICA: Ugh, nothing.

MARTA: Forget I asked. (leaves)

VERONICA tries to go back to her notes, but is distracted by her thoughts.  Irritated, she gets up to leave.

VERONICA: (calling out to MARTA) You wouldn’t know where the number for the clinic is would you?  I need to make an appointment.

END.

17th Birthday

VERONICA and her DAD sit for lunch at an Italian restaurant in Lygon St.  It’s VERONICA’s 17th birthday, and officially one year since her parents have separated.

DAD: Veronica, I feel that you and I have grown distant over the past few months.

VERONICA: Well, it’s been pretty full on in school and at home.

DAD: Why, what’s going on at home?

VERONICA: Um, well, obviously the divorce.

DAD: Yes, but you shouldn’t concern yourself with that, it’s got nothing to do with you.

VERONICA: It does when you’re both constantly arguing in front of us.

DAD: I understand, but you still shouldn’t concern yourself with that.  What is happening between your mother and I is not your problem, it’s ours.

VERONICA: Well, then you should make a better effort in keeping your problems to yourself.

Tense silence.

DAD: I don’t like your tone Veronica, keep your attitude in check.

VERONICA is frustrated but stays quiet.

DAD: I will over look this because it’s your birthday, and besides, I have a present for you and I would like to give it to you under happy conditions.

VERONICA gives no response.

DAD: Like I was saying, I feel that you and I have grown distant over the past few months, and you have to know that this greatly distresses me.

Still no response.

DAD: I can see that you have become quite withdrawn, and what your reasons are for this I do not know, but whatever the reasons you have to know that I am always here for you, when you need to talk to me.

Still no response.

DAD: Well?

VERONICA: Yes dad.

DAD: Anyway, I have a present for you that I think will help you through this tough time.

No response.

DAD: When I was your age, and I was going through my own troubles, I would often turn to this book and it would help me through the darkness.

No response.

DAD: And I hope that in times of need, you will turn to this book to help you through your worries.

DAD reaches into his coat pocket and takes out a wrapped book.  VERONICA accepts the present and opens it.

VERONICA: You read this when you were my age?

DAD: (smiling) Yes.

VERONICA: You seriously, honestly, read ‘Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff For Teens’?

DAD: Yes.

VERONICA: When you were my age?

DAD: That’s what I told you.

VERONICA: (opening the book) Even though it was published in the year 2000.

DAD: (ripping the book from VERONICA’s hands) Don’t be smart. If you’re going to be like this, you might as well have no present at all.

END.

At the Pub

VERONICA (aged 22) is approached by a “MAN”, while waiting to be served at the bar.

“MAN”: Hello.

VERONICA: Hi.

“MAN”: You want to see a photo of my kid?

VERONICA: Er, not really.

(pause)

“MAN”: You look like the type of woman who would like kids.

VERONICA: They’re not bad.

“MAN”: I have a son.

VERONICA: That’s nice.

“MAN”: He’s 5.

VERONICA: Good age.

“MAN”: I’m recently divorced.

No response, just a stare.

“MAN”: I run my own business.

No response, just a stare.

“MAN”: I drive a sushi van.

VERONICA: As nice as that is, I’m sorry, I’m just not interested.

“MAN”: But don’t you want to be a mother at your age?

VERONICA: What, at 22?

“MAN”: Holy shit! You’re 22!?  Sorry, I thought you were 30.

The “MAN” leaves VERONICA at the bar wondering just who is the winner in this situation.

THE END.

Bread and Butter

VERONICA is working the early morning shift at the café.  A CUSTOMER, dressed as a school crossing guard, enters requesting a sandwich.

VERONICA: Would you like that on white, wholemeal or multi grain.

CUSTOMER: Barely bread?

VERONICA: (having misheard) Multi- grain?

CUSTOMER: No, Barely bread.

VERONICA: Err…Sorry we seem to only have white, wholemeal or multi- grain today.

CUSTOMER: That’s ok, I know, I just really like Barely bread, that’s all.  Thought I’d share that.

VERONICA smiles awkwardly at CUSTOMER and doesn’t know what more to say.

CUSTOMER: Whatever bread you serve me, I shall eat.

VERONICA reaches for the wholemeal.

CUSTOMER: On second thoughts I shall have the white please.

VERONICA: Not a problem.  (lays the bread on the board).  Margarine.

CUSTOMER: I’d prefer butter actually, but you don’t have it.  It doesn’t spread.

VERONICA smiles slyly and takes out a hidden stash of butter.

VERONICA: What would you like on your sandwich.

CUSTOMER: Ham, cheese and curried egg.  Bet you think that’s weird.

VERONICA: What you have on your sandwich is none of my business.

CUSTOMER: It just tastes so good.

VERONICA: I’m sure it does.

There’s a silence while she’s making up CUSTOMER’s order, and she feels uncomfortable as he stares at her over the sandwich bar.

VERONICA: So, tell me about this barley bread, I’ve never heard of it.

CUSTOMER: Oh, it is a wonderful bread.  It comes in a spherical shape and it’s lovely and doughy and extremely filling.  Best served with just butter.

VERONICA: Where do you get it?

CUSTOMER: You can’t get it anywhere.  Nobody sells it.

VERONICA: Oh, right.

CUSTOMER: I found at a medieval festival.

VERONICA: That’s nice (hands over the sandwich and takes the money for it.)

CUSTOMER: I was awarded a loaf after having won in a reenacted battle.

VERONICA: Er, congratulations.

CUSTOMER: I was the most desirable suitor for the dances afterward.

VERONICA: Well, there you go.  Lucky you.

CUSTOMER: Thank you for the sandwich. Fare well, I hope to see you again. (exits)

VERONICA’s boss, having overheard their conversation, walks over to VERONICA and shakes her head.

VERONICA: What?

BOSS: What’s wrong with you?

VERONICA: What do you mean?

BOSS: Of all the people in this shop, you always get the bloody weirdo’s.

VERONICA: Well, I learnt about Barley Bread.

BOSS: Yes, because you’re so happy you asked.

THE END.