Children, oh children

VERONICA is at her day job, working at the cake shop, taking an order for a LADY with 2 children (4 and 2 years of age).  The LADY needs a moment to ring her friend to go over the details before confirming the order.  She leaves the children with VERONICA.

CHILD 1: Hi.

VERONICA: Hello.

CHILD 2: Hello!

VERONICA: Hi.

CHILD 1: We’re going to get a cake.

VERONICA: Yes I know, I’m going to help your mum with the order.

CHILD 2: What sort of cake are we getting?

VERONICA: I think you may be getting a chocolate mud cake.

CHILD 2: Yum, I love chocolate.

VERONICA: Me too.

CHILD 1: Really?

VERONICA: Of course.

CHILD 1: I thought grown ups don’t eat chocolate.

VERONICA: Well I do.

CHILD 1 takes a moment to think about this. CHILD 2 is getting excited by the cakes on display.

CHILD 2: What’s this cake?

VERONICA: That’s a torte.  It’s filled with cream and jam.

CHILD 2: What about this one?

VERONICA: That’s another torte.

CHILD 1: And this one?

VERONICA: It’s a sponge cake.

CHILD 2: What about this one?

VERONICA: That’s another sponge cake.

CHILD 1: Do you only have sponges?

VERONICA: No there’s als—

CHILD 2: No, look, there’s a purple cake.

CHILD 1: That’s not purple, it’s pink.

CHILD 2: I like purple.

VERONICA: I like purple too.

CHILD 1: But that cake is pink.

VERONICA: That’s very true.  But my favourite colour is still purple.

CHILD 2: PURPLE!

CHILD 1: (to VERONICA) How old are you?

VERONICA: How old do you think I am?

CHILD 1: (after a moment) 40.

Pause.  VERONICA is actually 27.   She bursts out laughing.

VERONICA: No, I’m not 40.

CHILD 1: How old are you then?

VERONICA: 165.

Both children silent.

LADY: Right, we’ll take the mud cake.

VERONICA: No worries.

VERONICA fills out the order and finishes the transaction.

CHILD 1: (to VERONICA) Have you had plastic surgery?

LADY: What sort of a question is that!?  That’s rude!  (to VERONICA) Thank you so much for your help. (to children) Come on.  Back in the car.  No, we’re not getting a gingerbread person. Come on.

The LADY leaves with her children, and VERONICA feels like a bit of a bitch, but hey, at 40/165, she’s entitled to be.

 

THE END.

 

 

Unanswered Question:

2010:

A MOTHER goes for an afternoon stroll with her 2-year-old CHILD, who busies himself collecting various stones along the way.  When they come home, the CHILD puts his rock collection away and his MOTHER sits him on the potty.  5 mins go by and suddenly the MOTHER hears the CHILD scream. She runs to discover the CHILD sitting on the potty with blood running out of his nose.

MOTHER: What happened!

CHILD: (screaming) STONE UP NOSE, STONE UP NOSE!

Why do children put things in their ears and up their nose?

1958:

A MOTHER is shelling peas with her SON and DAUGHTER.

MOTHER: Now kids, whatever you do, don’t put the peas in your ears or up your nose.

SON: (quietly) I already did.

1991:

SISTER (aged 3) comes crying to DAD with ear buds firmly lodged in both ears.

POLAND 1954:

A MOTHER and SON are feeding sunflower seed to the birds outside their country home.  The SON begins to cry, he stuck a sunflower seed up his nose.  The MOTHER takes her SON to the hospital first by bike, then by bus, and finally on foot, completing the 1 1/2 hour journey.  The doctor removes the sunflower seed.

Half way through the journey on the way back home.

SON: Mummy, I put the seed up my other nostril.

The MOTHER slaps her SON upside the head, and makes her way back to the hospital, screaming child in toe.

In my day

Two styles of parenting, one from 2010 the other in 1990.  The parents from 1990 are mine.

2010:

(Two mothers sit in a cafe sharing a coffee and cake.  Their two boys run in and out of the shop kicking each other and screaming.)

MOTHER 1: (to boys) Joshua!  Joshua!  Would you like to come in and finish your gingerbread man?

SON: (at the top of his lungs) NO! GO AWAY!

MOTHER 1: Play nicely then.

MOTHER 2: Boys huh?  They just can’t sit still.

MOTHER 1: You know what that is? That’s them sitting down for two hours through out that film.  They’ve got all this energy to burn.

(Boys whizz past screaming.)

MOTHER 2: That’s right.  They’re just active.

1990:

(MUM, DAD, VERONICA (Aged 7) and MARTA (Aged 2) are in a cafe.  DAD is reading the paper and MUM is drinking coffee. MARTA eats her cake and VERONICA fidgets in her chair.)

DAD: (to VERONICA) Stop that.

(VERONICA stops.  After 3 beats she gets up)

MUM: Where are you going

VERONICA: I need to go to the toilet.

MUM: Sit back down. When I finish my coffee I’ll take you.

VERONICA: Can’t I g—

MUM: No.  Sit.

(VERONICA sits)

2010

(MOTHER and CHILD walk through the isles of a supermarket)

CHILD: Mummy can I have a chocolate?

MOTHER: No sweetie, we have something sweet at home.

CHILD: But I want something now.

MOTHER: We won’t be long sweetie, you’ll get something when we get home.

CHILD: (getting louder) I can’t wait that long.

(MOTHER doesn’t answer the child and pretends to be deeply involved in reading the product information in her hand)

CHILD: Mum. (pause) Mum. (pause). Mum. Mum. Mum. (louder) MUm. MUm. MUm . (louder) MUM. MUM. MUM. MUM. MUM. (Screaming) MUM! I WANT SOM—

MOTHER: ALRIGHT! We’ll get something!

1990:

(MUM and VERONICA are in the supermarket)

VERONICA: (whispering) Mummy can I have a chocolate?

MUM: What?

VERONICA: Can I have a chocolate?

MUM: No.

2010:

(MOTHER and CHILD attempt to cross the road as a car comes toward them. CHILD surges forward and pulls MOTHER along.  They stop in the middle of the road as they see the car coming toward them.  The car stops.  MOTHER and CHILD look at the car make their way back to the side of the road.  As the car begins to move again, MOTHER and CHILD dart in front of the car to cross the other side.)

1990:

(VERONICA, MUM and MARTA stand on the side of the road waiting to cross. MARTA surges forward.  MUM grabs her arms and smacks her on the bottom. MARTA cries.)

MUM: Don’t you ever do that again.

2010:

(A BROTHER punches his SISTER, and MOTHER and FATHER look on in dismay.)

FATHER: Don’t do that to your sister.

BROTHER: Why?

FATHER: Because it’s not nice.

MOTHER: (to FATHER) I just don’t know what to do anymore.

FATHER: It’ll be ok.  He’ll grow out of it.

MOTHER: Maybe he won’t.  Maybe he’s just one of those people with an aggressive personality?

FATHER: Give it some time.  He’s only 6.  I’m sure he’ll grow out of it.

1990:

(VERONICA hits MARTA over the head.  DAD then hits VERONICA over the head.)

VERONICA: Ow!

DAD: Hurt did it?

VERONICA: Yes.

DAD: Say sorry to your sister and don’t do it again.

VERONICA: (to MARTA) Sorry.

MARTA: Ha ha! You go in– (DAD smacks her over the head) Ow!

DAD: Don’t annoy your sister.

2010

(MARTA, VERONICA and MUM are shopping.  A MOTHER with her CHILD pass by.  The CHILD is being dragged on the floor by the MOTHER.)

CHILD: (screaming) NO! NO! I don’t want to! I want the car! I want the car! It’s not fair! I hate you! I hate you I hate you!

MUM: (observing the MOTHER and CHILD) When you where that little, you never did anything like that.  I am so lucky to have had such good children.

(MUM gives VERONICA and MARTA a kiss on the cheek.  MARTA and VERONICA look at each other with a knowing smile.)

THE END.

One of those

CAST:

MUM

VERONICA

MARTA

SET in the Living Room.

(MUM and MARTA are having a conversation as VERONICA enters.)

MUM: (laughing) Oh dear, you say that now.  I used to think exactly like you when I was your age, but when you reach the age of 25 your  maternal instinct really kicks in.

VERONICA: What?

MARTA: I told mum that I’m not having children and she thinks I’ll grow out of it.

MUM: You said the same thing when you were her age.

VERONICA: I know.

MUM: But you feel differently now that your older don’t you?

VERONICA: In what way?

MUM: Well, your maternal instinct–

VERONICA: What maternal instinct?

(MUM is stunned to silence)

MARTA: (to VERONICA as she’s leaving) Have fun with this conversation.

MUM: When you reach 25 you start developing a maternal instinct.

VERONICA: Says who?

MUM: It’s common knowledge that that’s what happens.

VERONICA: Must have missed that memo.

MUM: You don’t like children?

VERONICA: I love children.  I think they’re all very precious, and lovely, and cute, would I ever have one of my own? No.

MUM: What?

VERONICA: (after a long pause) I’m not having children mum.

MUM: Why not?

VERONICA: Well, lets slow down here for a second, I don’t know if I’m even going to get married let alone have children.  I know you don’t like the idea of having children out-of-wedlock.

MUM: Why don’t you want to get married?

VERONICA: Well, I really don’t think you and dad set the best example of a happy marriage, did you?

MUM: But what about when you’re in a relationship with someone?  What will you do then?

VERONICA: Well when I’m in a relationship I’ll think about it, but until then it’s a snowball’s chance in hell.

MUM: So you don’t even want to be in a relationship?

VERONICA: Look at my life mum! When do I have the time for it?

MUM: So that’s it is it? You’re going to be one of those–

VERONICA: One of those what?

MUM: No husband, no children, no nothing.

VERONICA: And damn proud.

MUM: No husband I can understand, but why no children?

VERONICA: Mum, if you had the choice would you opt to be a single mother again?

(silence)

VERONICA: And if your mother told you the stories about childbirth and rearing that you told me, would I even be standing here?

MUM: What stories?

VERONICA: Are you serious!

MUM: What stories?

VERONICA: Oh my god, where do I start? About how stressful the pregnancy was and that you were alone and had no support.  That the birth was so painful that you didn’t even remember what I looked like and had to force yourself to bond with me.  That breastfeeding was a pressure, and then the post natal depression you then had to deal with, and how it was hard, and how you were alone, and that you had no help, and it was the most painful, darkest and depressing moment in your life.

(Long pause)

MUM: So you think these stories had an effect on you.

VERONICA: Oh Christ.

THE END.