A Selector’s Guide to the Summer Series…

Hi there!

If you’re holding this guide-book it probably means you’re a selector.

“What does a selector do?” I hear you ask.  Well, Cricket Australia are still trying to finalise a working definition, but rest assured that you still have a vital role to play regardless.

 

Now here at Cricket Australia, we understand that a selector’s life can have many demands.  Most of you have had your fill of cricket within your careers, and so we understand that you have some R’n'R to catch up on.  So to make your job a little easier, we’ve compiled this handy guide for you to make your selections for the following Summer Series that little bit easier.

 

1. Beer and Darts

So many players, so many names.  Who can remember them all?  We sure as hell can’t.  I mean, let’s be honest, to us they’re a bunch of stats.  ”What’s stats?” you ask.  Shhh shh.  Don’t worry your little head now.  We need you rested and alert for the coming months and you need to look like you know what you’re doing when you show up to these state games and pretend like you’re not bemused at all with all these new names and fresh faces.  We’ve come up with a little game for you which combines your two favourite loves, beer and darts.

Materials:

Cork Board

Darts (at least 12, and make sure you number them 1 – 12)

Pictures and names of various cricket players NB: Make sure they’re AUSTRALIAN and make sure they’re PRESENT!

Instructions:

1. Get either your wife or kids, or yourself if you’re feeling crafty, to stick the pictures and names of the Australian cricket players you’ve acquired on the cork board

2. Grab a can or 6 of your favourite beer.  We usually recommend VB due to sponsorship loyalties, but we also understand if you’ve had a gutful of the shit and decide choose your own.

3. Sit back and when the urge strikes throw a dart.

4. Once all darts have hit a player, you’ve selected your team.  Make sure you write these down.

NB: Having numbered the darts means you immediately have a suggested batting order.  How handy.

 

2.  BINGO

If beer and darts aren’t your thing then by all means, take up the old favourite retirement past time, BINGO!!!

Just simply grab an official Cricket Australia players sheet.  You grab as many as you like.  One side will have the numbers, the other side will have the pictures of the players.  Just concentrate on the numbers for the moment.

Just get someone to roll the barrel and pick out numbers at random, and once you get a number of rows, BINGO – you have your team.

 

3. Spin the Bottle

Can’t be bothered putting that beer in the recycling?  Delay it a bit by putting all the names of players in a circle and spin the bottle till you have your team.  Simple!

 

Of course, these are just suggestions.  You don’t have to follow them to all.  If you have your own way of doing things, then by all means go for it.  It’s completely up to you!

If you have any other suggestions for fun selection, we would love to hear from you.

 

Happy Selecting!

 

THE END.

 

She don’t like cricket…anymore

A Little Girl (6 years old) sits in the higher stands of the MCG with her family watching  20/20 cricket, Australia v. England.  A beach ball is being hit around among the crowd, so far they have managed to keep it in their stand for 10 mins.

The ball beings to make its way towards the Little Girl.  Eager to get in on the action she gets up and stands on her seat.

GIRL’s MUM: What are you doing?

LITTLE GIRL: I want to play.

GIRL’s MUM: Well be careful, don’t fall.

GIRL’s DAD: And keep it in this area.

LITTLE GIRL: Be quiet dad, I know what I’m doing.

The ball floats towards the Little Girl.  She raises her arms and taps it away from her, however in doing so she pushes it forward and the ball floats away to the lower stands.

The crowd being shout and holler, and the Little Girl is suddenly surrounded by a group of men who all point their fingers at her and begin to loudly boo her.

The Little Girl cowers back into her seat and keeps her head down, fighting back the tears welling in her eyes. The Little Girl’s Mum pats her on the back to comfort her.

The boo-ing lasts only a minute and when everyone sits back down to watch the game, The Little Girl looks up to find her Dad still pointing and laughing at her.

LITTLE GIRL: (sighs) This is going to be a long 20 overs.

THE END.

At the Cricket…

VERONICA is at the cricket watching the Victorian Bushrangers play the Queensland Bulls in a 20/20 Big Bash League.  Her and her friends W, M, and E have spent the majority of the game at the Dean Jones Bar of the MCG knocking back ciders, or in W’s case VB Gold, and have decided to watch the last 5 overs in the family section.

The take their seats.

W: Yeah!  Cricket!

M: Ah pipe down, we’re in the family section now.

W: I’m not swearing.

M: Not yet you’re not.

Queensland batsman, can’t remember which one, mis hits and sends it flying towards David Hussey.

W and E: Yeeeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhhhh (Hussey drops it) GAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

VERONICA: Dammit!

W: (sternly) Watch your mouth, there are young children here.

M: They’re thinking it, she said it.  They love it.

E: Do you reckon they’ll smash a 6 our way?

W: Not bloody likely.

Family in front begin to giggle.

Another hit, ball skims straight to Cameron White, who without hesitation, throws it at the stumps…

W, E, M and VERONICA: OooooooooooohhhhHHH!!!!! (…the ball misses by a centimetre) GAHHHHHHHHH!!!!

VERONICA: So close.

E: They’ve done that a lot tonight.

W: I went to school with that guy.

Next ball is hit straight to White who catches it comfortably.

VERONICA, E and M: YEAH!

W: YEAH! I WENT TO SCHOOL WITH THAT GUY! WOOOOOT!!!

During the next few overs, there are a few more dropped catches and another couple of missed run outs.  At  the next break, Doug Bollinger comes on the big screen to do a KFC chicken dance.

M: Geeze, I reckon instead of KFC the cricket should get another sponsor.  Like Specsavers.  These boys need to get their eyes tested.

The family in front burst out laughing, a new bond is formed.

Victoria ended up winning the game, smashing Queensland in fact.  Despite that, we all walked away knowing that M did have a very good point.

THE END.

Talkin Cricket

VERONICA is back at work after her Christmas break.  An elderly gentleman, JIM, a regular, comes in.

VERONICA: Hi Jim!  Happy New Year!

JIM: Hi Vee, Happy New Year to you too.  I wish you fine health.

VERONICA: And I to you.

JIM: Don’t waste your breath.

VERONICA: (laughing off the comment) Having a coffee today.

JIM: I certainly will be.

VERONICA beings making his coffee and JIM stands by.

JIM: So, did you go anywhere exciting over the holidays?

VERONICA: No, I just stayed at home, caught up with friends and family, and I went to the cricket.

JIM: Oh.

VERONICA: I know, it’s bad.

JIM: I tell you something Vee, it’s not Cricket anymore.  It stopped being cricket a long time ago.  It’s just England’s playing field and we’re the practice ducks.

VERONICA:  It was really painful to watch the day that I went.  But I went to a state game later that same week, and Victoria wiped the floor with Queensland, so at least that’s something.

JIM: We need young bright talent.

VERONICA: Well there’s plenty of promise in the state teams.

JIM: You know, I went to a game not long ago, and I was caught off guard because the cricketers had pony tails, and they seemed a bit more plump than usual.  My eye sight is not what it used to be so it took me a while to realise that I was watching the Women’s Cricket.

VERONICA: Cool!  What did you think Jim?

JIM: Well, I’ll tell you this.  That day there were 600 runs off 435 balls.

VERONICA: They sure can play.

JIM: Oh I tell you, I haven’t seen anything like that in a long time.  The shots made.

VERONICA: Well, Jim, I think Women’s Cricket have found a new supporter.  Good on you.

JIM: Indeed.  Scrap the men’s for the moment and give the women a shot.  It was far more entertaining.

THE END.