Sharing is caring…

BOY and GIRL, in the beginnings of a relationship, are getting to know one another.

BOY: Tell me something about yourself that no one knows.

GIRL: (after a moment) I can’t really think of anything.

BOY: Rubbish.

GIRL: I’m serious, I can’t really think of anything.  I don’t really have many secrets, not juicy ones anyway, I’m just a relatively open person.

BOY: But even if you don’t have many secrets, you’ve got some secrets.

GIRL: Yeah, well, things that I keep to myself that are sort of hard to talk about with just anyone.

BOY: Like what?

GIRL: (pause) Like, my depression.  That was a pretty hard time—

BOY: I don’t want to know about that, that’s not what I meant.

GIRL: (taken aback) Oh, then, what did you mean?

BOY: You know, like, sexy secrets.

GIRL: Well, I don’t have any.

BOY: Really?  Like you don’t have a special spot?  Or a favourite position?

GIRL:  I don’t know enough about them to have a favourite.

BOY: Hmm. You don’t have any toys?

GIRL: What?

BOY: Toys?  Like dildos, vibrators, and all that?

GIRL: No.

BOY: Yeah you do, where do you keep them.

GIRL: (annoyed) I keep them no where because I don’t have any.

BOY: Fair enough.  I’ll tell you something about me then.

GIRL: You don’t have to.

BOY: Don’t worry, we’re just getting to know each other, and I need to know I can trust you.

GIRL: By telling me a secret?

BOY: If you keep it, I know you’re a good girl.

GIRL: Ok fine.

BOY: Alright, so, when I was 15, I was working in my uncle’s restaurant and this really hot girl walked in who made me really hard–

GIRL: Do I really want to hear this?

BOY: (ignoring her) So I went into the cool room of the kitchen, and had one out.

GIRL: What?

BOY: And then my aunt walked in and caught me.

GIRL: What did you do?

BOY: I finished.

GIRL: Oh my god, that’s disgusting.

BOY: Well I couldn’t help it, men have urges.

GIRL: If you were a dog licking your balls I’d understand, but you’re a human being!  Show some restraint.

BOY: That was mean.

GIRL: Sorry, I’m just being honest.

BOY: Well, you’re frigid.

(GIRL is shocked)

BOY: Just being honest.

GIRL: That was mean.

BOY: I’m sorry, I was only joking.

GIRL: It wasn’t funny.

BOY: Alright, alright.  Come on, let’s go out and see a movie, I’ll make it up to you.

 

6 months later, GIRL is with her FRIENDS sharing a bottle of wine.

GIRL: Hey, can you guys keep a secret?

FRIENDS: No!

GIRL: Fantastic, because I’ve got a story to tell you.

 

THE END.

Un-dateable

MUM and VERONICA are watching a Channel 7 morning show were a segment discussing “un-dateable” people is being featured. The hosts speak with a “dating expert” on the matter.

HOST 1: So what makes a person un-dateable.

EXPERT: Well there are a number of characteristics which will seem undesirable.  For instance, if you’re prone to going to the pub all the time and just playing video games then it really isn’t a good sign of your maturity.

(MUM looks at VERONICA)

VERONICA: I don’t play all the time Mum, it’s just because I have a new video game I’m obsessed with that’s all.

MUM: You could be un-dateable.

VERONICA: Well that’s handy because I don’t need to date at the moment.

EXPERT: But really, what makes a person un-dateable is different from person to person, and of course depends very much on what you find attractive in a partner.  For instance, I will simply not date anyone where English is a second language for them.

(pause)

VERONICA: Oh my god.

MUM: What?

(Hosts are a bit shocked and don’t quite know what to do.)

EXPERT: I know that’s just a bit controversial, but I just don’t want to deal with cultural differences and language barriers.

VERONICA: Oh my god.

HOST 2: But think of all the people who you’re immediately excluding.

EXPERT: Well, it’s just they way I am.

VERONICA: Oh my god.

HOST 2: But what about all the sexy french men with those luscious accents?

(EXPERT is quiet, MUM turns of the television)

MUM: What a dumb bitch.

VERONICA: You know what?  I think that’s just average ‘Skip Mentality’.  A lot of people don’t know how to handle an accent, it’s like they have a mini stroke.

MUM: I know exactly what you’re talking about.  A lot of people who I’m interviewing for this research have a shock when they meet me.  We first communicate by e-mail, and they’re very friendly and enthusiastic, but as soon as they meet me in person, and hear my accent, they don’t want to know me.

VERONICA: It’s so weird.  It’s never bothered me, but often at work, if a customer has a thick accent, there are a couple of girls who start to raise their voice and they’re really quite rude and abrupt.

MUM: Ah, it doesn’t bother me sometimes.  I’m happy with my English, and with they way I speak, and I just ignore everybody else’s behaviour.  Besides, I understand how they feel.

VERONICA: What?

MUM: When I hear an Australian speak, I can’t understand a word they’re saying.  Their english is horrible.

THE END.

Dates

CAST:

MAGGIE: 54, and presents well for her age.

DARREN: 58, but tries hard to look ten years younger

SET in a café.

(MAGGIE enters the café looking around at the tables.  She is meeting someone there she has never met.  She spots a man who is sitting alone and approaches him.)

MAGGIE: Hi, I’m sorry to ask, but you wouldn’t be Darren would you?

DARREN: You must be Maggie.

MAGGIE: Yes.

(DARREN gets up to pull out her chair.)

MAGGIE: Oh, thank-you (sits down).  You know, I’ve never done this before so I’m a little nervous.

DARREN: Really?  Don’t worry, it’s my first time too.  You look wonderful by the way.

MAGGIE: Thank you.

(silence)

DARREN: Shall we look at the menu?

MAGGIE: Oh yes, of course.

(DARREN and MAGGIE study the menu closely, and share a long silence between them.)

MAGGIE: Everything here looks nice, have you been here before?

DARREN: Oh yeah, I come here all the time when I’m in the area.  It’s a good little place.  You?

MAGGIE: No, it’s a bit out of the way for me.  I live further east out of the city, and so I don’t often get a chance to come here.  I do try to get here for the markets now and then, but not as much as I’d like to. (pause) I actually got a bit lost coming here. Good thing I came here early, because it did take me a bit of time to find this place.

DARREN: Wow, you really must not know this area at all.  It’s one of the more well-known cafes in the area.

MAGGIE: I realised that when I asked someone at Borders.

DARREN: What’s Borders?

(pause)

MAGGIE: You know, Borders?  The book shop.

DARREN: Oh.  Never heard of it.

MAGGIE: Really? It’s quite a large bookshop chain.  They’re practically everywhere.

DARREN: (shrugs) I wouldn’t know.  I don’t read books.

MAGGIE: Really? Why not?

DARREN: Don’t have the time.

MAGGIE: Oh, with work?

DARREN: No. Golf.

(pause)

MAGGIE: I see.

DARREN: Ever since the divorce, the ex has pretty much taken everything that I own, except the golf clubs.  They’re really my pride and joy, and I love getting on the course any chance I can get.  It’s a great sport.  Have you every played?

MAGGIE: Can’t say I have.

DARREN: Oh it’s a great day out.  I have to take you with me sometime.

MAGGIE: I don’t really know if that kind of thing is really for me.

DARREN: Don’t knock it till you try it, I say.

MAGGIE: That’s a fair enough statement.  Is that why you don’t read? Haven’t really found any books worth your while?

DARREN: Ah, for me they’re just a waste of time.  And they’re so expensive.

(silence)

MAGGIE: There are libraries you know.

(no answer)

MAGGIE: They have plenty of books there where you don’t have to pay.

DARREN: Sounds like I should have taken you there instead, would have saved me some change! (laughs)

MAGGIE: (under her breath) “Internet dating is great” my arse.

DARREN: What was that?

MAGGIE: I said I think I’ve left my phone in my car.  Would you excuse me?

(MAGGIE leaves. DARREN is left waiting.)

THE END.