Politics on the train

Two students on the City Loop train from Box Hill.

STUDENT 1: Did you watch the news this morning?

STUDENT 2: Nah, I haven’t watched it recently.  The only thing they talk about is the election.  I’m just sick of it.

STUDENT 1: But don’t you want to know about their policies?  Don’t you want to hear what they have to say?

STUDENT 2: Couldn’t give a fuck.  They don’t interest me.  Besides, I’m not voting for them anyway.

STUDENT 1: But you have to vote.

STUDENT 2: Yeah, I know I have to vote, but I’m not voting for them.

STUDENT 1: Who are you voting for then?

STUDENT 2: The Greens.

STUDENT 1: What for?

STUDENT 2: Because they support the environment and they support artists, and that’s all I care about.

STUDENT 1: And all that other shit you just leave to someone else?

STUDENT 2: Exactly right.

STUDENT 1 shakes his head.

STUDENT 2: Have you seen Kylie’s facebook?

STUDENT 1: Kylie from class?

STUDENT 2: Yeah.

STUDENT 1: No, I’m not friends with her on facebook.

STUDENT 2: Oh.  You can probably still see her profile though, I don’t think she’s figured out security settings yet.

STUDENT 1: Really?

STUDENT 2: She’s pretty fucking stupid.  Anyway.  She’s pro- life–

STUDENT 1: Pro- life?

STUDENT 2: Yeah, pro- life.  Anti- abortion.

STUDENT 1: Oh.

STUDENT 2: Anyway, she’s been posting all these videos on her facebook about abortions–

STUDENT 1: Ugh, fuck.

STUDENT 2: Yeah I know.  It’s pretty brutal.

STUDENT 1: So who would she be voting for then?

STUDENT 2: I don’t know.  Pro- life.  That’s conservative yeah?

STUDENT 1: Yeah.  So liberal.

STUDENT 2: Nah, I don’t think so.  Although that guy, he’s pretty against it.

STUDENT 1: What guy?

STUDENT 2: You know.  The guy.  What’s his name…he’s the leader.

STUDENT 1: Oh!  Yeah.  I know who you’re talking about.  Yeah, I don’t know his name either.

STUDENT 2: Tony Abbott.

STUDENT 1: Yeah, Tony Abbott.  That’s right.

STUDENT 2: He’s against them.

STUDENT 1: Abortions?

STUDENT 2: Yeah, so she’d probably vote liberal.

STUDENT 1: Or Family First.

STUDENT 2: Christ, Family First.  Or some Christian party.

STUDENT 1: Is there one?  I thought it that was Family First?

STUDENT 2: Nah, I think there’s another one.

STUDENT 1: Ugh.  Too many.

STUDENT 2: Yeah I know. (pause) I’m pro- choice.

STUDENT 1: What’s pro- choice?

STUDENT 2: The woman has a right to choose.

STUDENT 1: Oh.

STUDENT 2: Because if I accidentally get a woman pregnant, and she chooses to get rid of it, well, that’s fine by me.

STUDENT 1: You’re an arsehole.

END.

Melbourne Central Station, Platform 4

A MAN on waits for the Sandringham train on Platform 4.  He’s quiet and keeps to himself, peacefully drinking from his can on Jim Beam, and smiling away.  His drinking, coupled with his rather unkempt appearance, is what makes people keep their distance from him, however this doesn’t seem to bother him.

A BEGGAR enters and begins approaching people for loose change.

BEGGAR: Excuse me, sorry to bother you, but do you have any loose change you could spare for some food?

The MAN sees him.  He tries to look away and ignore him, however the BEGGAR approaches him.

BEGGAR: Excuse me, sorry to bother you–

MAN: (curtly) Well you have.

BEGGAR: Sorry.  Do you have any loose change you—

MAN: No.  Fuck off.

BEGGAR: Thank- you. (begins to walk away and makes to approach the next person)

MAN: What the fuck are you thanking me for?

BEGGAR has no answer.

MAN: You know, even if I had the money I wouldn’t give it to you.

BEGGAR stands ashamed.

MAN: (takes a swig from his can) Here you want a drink? (throws empty can past the BEGGAR) You can have whatever was left in there, how about that?

BEGGAR hangs his head.

MAN: People like you make me sick.

BEGGAR: Ok.

MAN: No.  Not ok.  (charges at BEGGAR until he stands nose to nose with him) What do you need money for anyway?

BEGGAR: For food.

MAN: Bullshit for food.  You’re a fucking junkie.  I can smell it on you.

BEGGAR: No.  I’m hungry.

MAN: Yeah, sure you are.  How did you get on this platform if you don’t have any money?

BEGGAR: (slightly cowers) Leave me alone.

MAN: No.  Tell me.  How did you get on the platform if you don’t have any money?  You have to have a ticket to come one here, where did you get your ticket?

BEGGAR: I–

MAN: You’re a fucking junkie liar.  You’re disgusting.  (louder) You’re a disgrace.  You insult me and you insult people on this platform.  People come here in the city to work their arses off and rightfully earn their money only to make their way home and have scum like you try and take it off them.

BEGGAR: I only want some change.

MAN: WELL YOU CAN’T HAVE ANY FUCKING CHANGE, CAN YOU!

(pause)

The train is heard from a distance.

MAN: You’re lucky that I’m on my way home.  I wish my girlfriend was here so she could rip your fucking throat.  She hates bums like you more than I do.

BEGGAR: Go away.

MAN: What?

BEGGAR: Leave me alone.

MAN: I’m leaving because I have to go home, not because I want to leave you alone.  If it were up to me I would stay here and make sure you didn’t scam anyone else on this platform.

The train arrives, and the MAN makes his way on.  Before the doors close he turns to the BEGGAR

MAN: If I catch you here again…well.  You don’t want to know what will happen if I catch you here again.

The doors close and the train pulls away. The BEGGAR stands silent and looks around on the platform where people around him are avoiding eye contact.

The BEGGAR walks away, slightly shaken.  As he takes the escalators exiting the station he wipes a tear from his eye, but moves forward quickly without looking back.

END.

Hipster Horror

VERONICA is taking the train home after seeing Boston Marriage .  She sits in the corner, and takes out her book to pass the time.  She is interrupted by the entry of two hipsters, HIPSTER 1 is wearing a flannel shirt as a dress and carrying a second-hand glomesh purse, HIPSTER 2 is wearing gypsy skirt and other related paraphernalia.

HIPSTER 1: So what happened?

HIPSTER 2: What do you mean?

HIPSTER 1: What happened in the second act?

HIPSTER 2: Didn’t you get it?

HIPSTER 1: No, I feel asleep.

HIPSTER 2 laughs.

HIPSTER 1: Well it was boring! And I’m so tired.

HIPSTER 2: Yeah, I really tired too.  Don’t let me forget to call for a taxi before I get off the train.

HIPSTER 1: I probably won’t remember.

HIPSTER 2: Oh.

HIPSTER 1: So what happened?

HIPSTER 2: Ok, so, um, you find out that the necklace belongs to the girl’s mother–

HIPSTER 1: Did you ever get to see her?

HIPSTER 2: No.

HIPSTER 1: That’s so stupid.

HIPSTER 2: Yeah, so, then she looses the girl and the other one looses the guy and their in trouble because they have no money, and then they plot about how to get them back, and so they try to make up a story, and the decide that they’re going to be soothsayers–

HIPSTER 1: What?

HIPSTER 2: Soothsayers.  Or whatever.  And so they decide to throw a séance and then they want to find out some information about India, but they realise that they don’t know anything about India, but then the maid came out and said my dad knows about India–

HIPSTER 1: That maid was so annoying.  It’s like she would come out when it was boring and tried to be funny–

HIPSTER 2: Wait I haven’t finished yet, so then they throw a séance, but no one comes, but this letter comes to say that the woman stole the necklace and was going to go to jail, and the other woman feels bad, and then they realise they love each other and decide to go to jail together, but they both know that they tricked each other.

HIPSTER 1: How?

HIPSTER 2: Because they loved each other.

HIPSTER 1: Oh. (pause) Whatever.

Silence

HIPSTER 1: My favourite part was the green velvet cloak.

VERONICA begins to desperately look around to see if she can sit somewhere else, but there is nowhere to be found.

HIPSTER 2: My favourite part was when the apron was too short.

HIPSTER 1: Really? Because you could kind of see that coming.

HIPSTER 2: Could you?

HIPSTER 1: Yeah.

(Silence.)

HIPSTER 2: Oh my god.

HIPSTER 1: What?

HIPSTER 2: It’s him.

HIPSTER 2: Oh yeah!

(HIPSTER 3 boards the train wearing a tweed jacket, suit pants and a bow tie, complete with bicycle.)

HIPSTER 3: Hello chaps.

(All three hipsters begin to converse in a fake british accent.  VERONICA pray for deafness)

HIPSTER 2: What have you been doing dear sir?

HIPSTER 3: Ah, well, I’ve just been out and about visiting friends in coffee shops and bars until I decided it was time to cycle my way home.

VERONICA: (inner monologue) On the train?

HIPSTER 2: Well we just came from a play.

HIPSTER 3: Really, what did you see?

HIPSTER 1: Boston Marriage.

HIPSTER 3: Oh I’ve heard that was—

HIPSTER 1: Crap?

HIPSTER 3: Oh, yes, well it did receive some luke warm reviews.

HIPSTER 2: Yeah, she fell asleep.

HIPSTER 3: Really!?

HIPSTER 1: Yeah.

(Silence)

HIPSTER 3: (looking at HIPSTER 1′s glomesh purse) Oh! What book are you reading.

HIPSTER 1: (taking out her tattered book) I don’t know.  But every time I open the book a page falls out. I kind of like that.

HIPSTER 3: Isn’t that by the same guy who wrote Robinson Crusoe?

HIPSTER 2: No that’s Willam Defoe.

HIPSTER 3: Oh of course.

(Silence)

HIPSTER 2: Um…that was a joke.

HIPSTER 1: Willam Defoe is that Spiderman villain.

(long pause)

HIPSTER 3: Do you like my new savers purchase?

HIPSTER 2: Oh yeah! That’s awesome.

HIPSTER 1: Which one did you go to?

VERONICA looks out the window and wonders if she can smash her way out.

HIPSTER 2: The one in Greensborough?

HIPSTER 3: No, Footscray.  Oh my god, what am I saying!  I mean to say Brunswick! Not Footscray. My lord.

HIPSTER 2: Yeah that’s nice.

HIPSTER 1: Yeah.

(Long silence)

HIPSTER 3: (to HIPSTER 2) I don’t think you’ve introduced me to your friend.

HIPSTER 2: Oh, that’s because I kind of forgot her name.

(Awkward silence)

HIPSTER 3: Oh well, this is my stop.

HIPSTER 3 hops off the train and rides his bike home.  HIPSTER 1 and HIPSTER 2 are left alone, and VERONICA laughs.

VERONICA: Totally didn’t see that coming. (moves seats)

THE END.

The Legend of Scott’s Mum

SET in Ringwood Station, Scott (one of my bosses) tells me a story of his 70-year-old mother who had an altercation with a pack of youths and still lives to tell the tale.

SCOTT and HIS MUM get off the train at Ringwood Station and head towards the bus stop.  As they head toward the station exit a group of boys approach them, with one of them going nose to nose with HIS MUM.

BOY: Hey!  Grandma! Give me your fucking ticket

(There’s a pause.  SCOTT is frozen scared. HIS MOTHER stands still and does not cower to BOY)

HIS MOTHER: No.

BOY: What?

HIS MOTHER: I said no.  You can get your own ‘fucking ticket’.

SCOTT: Mum, just give him the ticket, you’re not using it anymore.

HIS MOTHER: No.

SCOTT: (to BOY) Here, you can have my ticket.

BOY: Nah, I don’t want to carry a full fare, I want a concession.  Her concession.

SCOTT: What difference does it make?

BOY: Who gives a shit about difference?  I want her ticket.

HIS MOTHER: Well you’re not getting it, you can pay for your own ticket like everyone else.

BOY: Fuck that.  Why would I do that when I can use yours? Your not on the train anymore, you’re not using it.

HIS MOTHER: Doesn’t matter that I’m not using it, you can’t have it.

BOY: Well, what else are you going to do with it then?

HIS MOTHER takes her ticket and tears it in half if front of BOY’s eyes.

THE END.